


Coming Home

by catc10, WhatWouldLilyDo



Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Family Loss, Grief/Mourning, Internalized Homophobia, Mental Health Issues, Mentions of Cancer, Mild Blood, Minor Injuries, Multi, Non-Linear Narrative, POV Multiple, Surgery, Underage Drinking, both canon typical and younger than seen in canon, mention of a hurricane, other background characters and implied relationships, polygamy is legal in some states, same sex marriage was never illegal, sympathy pain
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-17
Updated: 2018-11-17
Packaged: 2019-08-05 13:00:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 28,213
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16368110
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/catc10/pseuds/catc10, https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhatWouldLilyDo/pseuds/WhatWouldLilyDo
Summary: Derek was three when his parents took him to the doctor about the soulbond pain he was feeling.Chris was five when he found out he had two soulmates.Will was twelve when he decided his soulmate would be better off away from him.Cait was fifteen when it felt like worrying about her soulmates had become a full-time job.





	1. Part One

**Author's Note:**

> Story by whatwouldlilydo  
> Art by catc10  
> Beta read by whitewineandregrets
> 
> Regarding their ages - Chowder and Nursey both turned 18 their senior year of high school (so Chowder is a year older than canon). Dex is still 17 when he starts Samwell. He was one of the youngest in his grade at school while his brother was one of the oldest in the same grade.

 

 

_**August 2001, San Francisco, CA**  
_

 

Chris was five when his soulmate fell out of a tree. It wasn't the first time he had felt his soulmate. His papa had told him he was a colicky baby and old-wives tales talked of a correlation between colic and being an older soulmate so he knew he had felt his soulmate before, but when he grew up it would be the time his soulmate fell out of a tree that would remain his first strong memory of his soulmate.

Chris was at a mini-mites practice when his arm prickled and felt as if it was twisted round. He felt a tingling in his hands, and his hockey stick was like bark under his fingers as his soulmate tried to cling onto the branch they were falling from. They held on for a couple of painful minutes before they let go and landed in such a way that pain shot up Chris’s calves. Chris had to come off the ice and sit on the bench.

When his mom came to pick him up and he described the series of warm pinching and tickling sensations he’d been experiencing ever since, she told him that sounded very much like two soulmates testing a bond. Chris pinched back, and his soulmate(s) responded with a simultaneous pinch in two places on his left arm. Chris was amazed by his discovery, especially when his parents confirmed he must have two soulmates. He understood multiple soulmates, obviously, because Mom and Papa and Dad were all soulmates, but they had always warned him against thinking he would be the same, as it wasn’t really that common. Chris was over the moon to find out that he was like them after all, and as he felt the dying sensation of his soulmates, his heart swelled with warmth and calm and an overwhelming sense of home.

 

 

 

 

 

  
  
_**March 2014, Samwell, MA**_

 

His heart swelled with warmth and calm and an overwhelming sense of _home_ when he walked into Faber. There were many explanations. Perhaps one of his soulmates was extremely content today, or perhaps it was his own reaction to being back where he had first learned to skate, but really Chris knew neither of those were the real reason for the feeling.

A soulmate was nearby.

It was rare for the soulmate bond to react like that - for it to warm when they were close - but Chris accepted easily that his own would do that. After all, he remembered the strange heat which had accompanied his soulmates testing their bond. Soulmates could be many different things and, for Chris, his meant home, even if he was yet to meet them.

It could be anyone at Samwell, of course. He had no idea if one or both of them were there, and the odds were that he had nearly always been on the opposite side of the country to them before, so maybe they weren’t even at Faber. Maybe they were somewhere on the campus. Maybe they were anywhere in Massachusetts. That didn’t stop him from looking curiously at each of the other tour attendees in hope, however.

Whoever it was, he had four years to work it out. For now, he might as well make friends. He turned to a lanky, awkward-looking redhead. “Hi there! I’m Chris.”

The redhead looked over his shoulder, as if expecting Chris to be talking to somebody else, but Chris kept his eyes on him, and he soon offered up a nervous smile. “Hi. I’m Will. William Poindexter. I play defense.”

 

 

 

 

 

  
  
_**November 2008, Camden, ME**_

 

“Hi. I’m Will. William Poindexter. I play defense.”

The longer the team stared at him, the more nervous Will felt. Clearly, they expected more from him, but he wouldn’t give it to them. The coach had asked him to introduce himself, but Will didn’t think that warranted his life story. He didn’t need to go into everything that had happened in the past few months, or why he was joining the hockey club after season had started, or why he was wearing discolored skates and holding a hockey stick at least half a foot too small for a defenseman his height.

“Uh, and that’s me,” he said, lamely, because the coach still wasn’t interrupting to start practice.

“You shouldn’t be in bantam?” one of the other kids asked, squinting at him.

Will sighed. He had shot up in a growth spurt the past month and was now taller than Dan, taller than that last social worker _(“oh my, aren’t you big?”)_ , taller than any of the boys here even though they were all hockey players. “I only just turned twelve.”

“Okay,” the coach said, _finally._ “Let’s run some drills.”

As they all skated out onto the ice, Will could feel his new teammates watching him. It made sense, because they were all curious as to how he would fit into their team, coming in late like this. They wanted to see how good he was, how likely he was to break up their current defensive pairings, how many people he would end up relegating to less ice time in games. He tried to focus on the exercises the coach instructed them to do instead of everybody else. He put a distance between himself and his new teammates, the way he had been putting a distance between himself and everybody since…

Dan had been running interference for him with the social workers, determined not to let them think his stoicness was a reaction to everything that had happened.

Will had physically felt himself withdraw the last time they had seen their grandparents. It was just too strange without his parents there to fill in the silences.

One of the girls in the first Home they had gone to tried to befriend him, for some reason seeking Will out instead of Dan. Will had closed up and stared at her until she gave up and walked away. They all knew there had been three Poindexter children before that car crash, so maybe she understood why he wouldn’t make friends with her.

The last time he had felt a twinge from his soulmate, Will had forced himself to think of other things, to not really feel her, to put up a wall so that maybe she couldn’t feel him either. He didn’t want her to experience this grief, this pain, this loss. If he numbed himself then she didn’t have to. If he distanced himself from everyone and everything then maybe he could save her the hurt.

Someone hit a puck towards him and he one-timed it from center ice. Anger at how his life had turned out powered it towards a gobsmacked goalie.

Will bit his lip. He still wasn’t sure if he had made the best decision.

 

 

 

 

 

  
  
_**August 2014, Samwell, MA**_

 

Dex still wasn’t sure if he had made the best decision by coming to Samwell. He had gone based on the hockey scholarship, and Massachusetts’ willingness to give him a grant for his accommodation, but as a child of the foster care system, he could just as easily have had his tuition waivered to go to school in Maine. The Black Bears were a decent team: still Division I and probably seen less as underdogs than the Wellies. But Samwell wasn’t in Maine and that, ultimately, was what made up his mind. Even more than Jack Zimmermann.

All the positives about Samwell not being like small town rural areas of Maine, also posed a problem: Dex had no idea how to live like this. It was so far from everything he knew and he was used to not talking about things. He was used to a world where everyone got on with their business, and nobody dared rock the status quo. There had been a certain way of talking back home, where soulmates were something to be talked about in private, while anything slightly controversial or ‘sensitive’ was to not be talked about at all. It was a far cry from this liberal arts school who had decided to put the ‘liberal’ into _everything_. Dex’s first two weeks at Samwell, he had been subject to more conversations about race, and sexuality, and gender than he’d ever heard in his life before.

“I’m just saying, if you have to resort to using slang for genitals as your insults, your chirping game’s gone stale.”

“What?” Dex bristled. He had no idea what Nurse was even _talking_ about now. “It’s not—That’s not— They’re just insults! Swear words! That’s why we use them for… to talk about… to refer to…”

“You know,” Nursey said, dryly. “It won’t kill you to say ‘genitalia’.”

Dex was perfectly well aware that his face was bright red, so he puffed up his chest and summoned feelings of rage, because that was a more acceptable emotion for a boy than embarrassment.

“What’s your fucking problem? So I swore at someone on the _other_ team. In a practice, no less, and I don’t see O’meara having a problem with what I said. He knows it doesn’t mean anything. That’s just what happens, Nurse. This is hockey. Better learn to get used to it.”

“Chirpings fine, Poindexter, but can’t you even see the _problem_ with using offensive language?”

“Are you on their fucking team, seriously?”

“I don’t feel comfortable having someone who thinks that’s okay to say on _my_ team.”

Dex took a step back. He knew he had to respond, or else Nursey would win, but his mind was plagued by the thought of scholarships running down the drain, after not clicking with the team, and of hockey being torn away from him by one teammate who had a problem with him, and the power to turn the rest of the team against him. He turned away, and started to gather his kit together, shoving it in his bag angrily. He clamped his teeth together to stop himself from breathing too heavily, because that would give him away, and then he ground his teeth even harder because his chest was starting to throb, his heart beating too fast, and he didn’t know what he could say to make this better. He didn’t know what Nursey wanted from him, and he didn’t know why, if all the things he had been told not to talk about in his childhood were allowed here, there were so many other things which had been so common-place they were habit and natural back home, and yet which were ‘offensive’ and ‘problematic’ here.

“My Mom is a Black trans woman, Poindexter, so if you could keep your chirps less racist and sexist that would be great.”

Dex gripped onto his bag strap. Why couldn't Nursey see that it really wasn't that deep? And Dex couldn't see how he had been racist, either.

 _God,_ there was so little air in here.

“Fucking typic—ah” Nursey groaned in pain, but Dex refused to turn and look at him.

“You okay, bro?” Ransom asked.

“Yeah. I— Yeah, just my soulmate gets this really bad heartburn sometimes. Fucking sucks.”

“Heartburn?” Ransom repeated, as if that was the strange part of what Nursey had said, and not the fact that he was casually bringing up his soulbond. “You feel them that strongly?”

“Uh. Yeah.” Nursey spoke reluctantly, as if he were embarrassed. Maybe he did have some idea of the decorum about talking about soulbonds, after all.

“Have you met them?” Ransom, however…

“Nope.”

“Bro,” Holster joined, now. “I’ve never heard of a bond that strong before. Even mine and Ransy’s and we fixed at first sight. Fuck, imagine when you fix.”

“It might just be me,” Nursey said. “Ma says I’m sensitive. It doesn’t mean my soulmate is, too. Like how everyone feels something slightly different, you know?”

Dex frowned at his bag. This was going to take a lot of getting used to.

 

 

 

 

 

  
  
_**October 1998, New York, NY**_

 

“This is going to take a lot of getting used to, but when he understands what is happening, the boy will be able to work around it.”

Derek stuck his thumb in his mouth as he leaned back against Daddy’s chest. Ma continued to ask the doctor questions, but Derek really just wanted to go home. He knew that his parents had said many times that morning how important it was to come and see this doctor, and that he was a good friend of his Ma. They had worked together before. He also researched soulbonds. But Derek didn’t yet understand what research was, or why the tummy ache he had this week was to do with his soulbond, or why it was he so often felt like he had bruises and stubbed toes when he didn’t.

“It’s rare for someone to feel so much of their soulmate. It seems as if it’s all their pain,” the doctor said.

“My delicate little flower,” Ma said with a laugh. “I knew he was special.”

Derek gasped when pain shot through his hands and knees. The Tigger plushie in his hand fell to the floor. “Ma,” he whined, lower lip trembling.

“What happened, sweetheart?”

“Slipperied on the cold.”

“It was your soulmate. They _slipped_ on the… ice? Babo, it’s June, it’s not... _Oh._ They must be somewhere it’s winter now.”

“Slipperied more,” Derek said, frowning at his hands.

“Slipped, Derek.”

“Feet hurt. Home?”

“Not yet. Mr Smithy is going to see if he can find some medicine to stop you from hurting when your soulmate hurts.”

Derek leaned forward to look for Tigger, and Daddy leaned with him to retrieve the toy. “Soulmate won’t stop slipperying.”

“Slipping,” Ma corrected, gently.

“Slippy.”

“They might be learning to ice skate,” the doctor said.

“Oh, but Derek’s only two, and the dentist said that his soulmate was teething at the same time as him,” Ma said, frowning. “That seems a little young. I wouldn’t want Derek in ice skates just yet.”

“‘Ockey,” Derek muttered around his thumb.

“Yes, sweetheart, skating like hockey.”

“I play ‘ockey.”

“When you’re older,” Daddy whispered in his ear, like it was a promise.

Derek shuffled around, wishing they could leave now, but Ma gave him a fond smile and turned back to the doctor.

"So what are our options?"

Derek twisted and leaned backwards until his head was tipped back and he half hung off Daddy's lap. The room wasn't actually any more interesting upside-down, but at least he had Daddy's full attention now. He squirmed away from the threat of tickles, but there was a grin on his face even though there was nowhere to go.

"Sweetheart, please," Ma said when Derek squealed.

"He's bored, Anika," Daddy said, grabbing onto Derek before he fell on the floor. Still giggling, Derek stood up on Daddy's legs and wrapped his arms around his neck.

"I think," the doctor said, "it might be best not to put him on medication. I can give you some emergency blockers, but daily blockers have never been tested on children under twelve. We have no idea what it could do to the bond, and for the most part he seems like a happy, healthy toddler. He might be glad of the occasional soulbond pain when he's older."

Ma was pulling a funny face, like the one she pulled whenever Daddy started talking about going to hockey games.

"If they haven’t been tested," Daddy said, "I think we'd be better leave the blockers, and take the emergency ones only."

"I think so," the doctor agreed. "I'll give you a prescription."

Derek watched the doctor retreat to his computer and Ma pick up her purse. The movement felt final, like their time in the doctor's office might be over.

"Home?" he asked.

Daddy checked his wristwatch. "We don't have long before we have to collect Leila from school. We could go to the park or the library?"

Derek bounced on Daddy's legs. He loved the library - getting to sit in the comfy seats in the children's area and flick through the bright pictures with his parents, even if he couldn't make sense of the words on the pages yet. "Books!"

"Okay, sweetheart," Ma said with a smile. "We can go to the library."

 

 

 

 

 

  
  
_**August 2014, Samwell, MA**_

 

"We could go to the library," Nursey suggested, "and see if we can find some of the course books. It'd be easier to decide if you knew what sorts of things they'll be about."

Chowder hummed thoughtfully. "Yeah, we could do that."

Nursey submitted his fully revised timetable, turned the screen of his iPad off and put it back in his bag so that he wasn't risking covering it with his lunch. Across the table, Dex and Chowder still had their laptops open, and a paper copy of the course guide between them. From what Nursey could tell, Dex was more or less done on his, too, but he was nervous to submit it in case he had made a mistake, especially if there might not be anybody he knew in the classes.

"What about Computer Science?" Dex asked Chowder, who hummed again.

“I guess. I did Advanced Placement, so it almost wouldn’t make sense not to take it.”

“You don’t sound convinced,” Nursey commented. It felt weird to be having a conversation with both of them half-hidden behind their laptops, so he took out his phone and opened up Candy Crush to play on one-handed while he ate.

Chowder shrugged. “Yeah, Computer Science it is.”

“I did AP, too. I think that means we can do this one,” Dex said, pointing at one of the courses.

Chowder nodded in agreement. “Are you sure you don’t want to do something like that with us, Nursey?” he asked.

“I didn’t do Computer Science at high school. It’s not really me. Poetry’s more my thing, you know?”

Dex snorted. “Poetry? Really?”

Nursey threw him a glare, and aimed a kick at Dex. There was the ghost of a bump against his leg. “Ow.”

Dex raised an eyebrow at Nursey. “You’re the one who kicked me.”

“Yeah, but—” Nursey frowned. “Never mind.”

There was no point getting into _that_ with Dex.


	2. Part Two

_**November 2013, San Francisco, CA** _

 

 

 

He was more nervous about what his soulmates would feel than for himself. Would it hurt them, without the numbing of anaesthetic in their bodies? What would happen when the doctor made the first cut? What would it do to his soulbond? Why was it that some people reported having felt their soulmates going into surgery? The doctor told him that was rare but what—

“Administering anaesthetic.”

Chris stared at the ceiling and tried to quiet his thoughts.

“5, 4, 3…” The nurse counted slowly.

Chris’s eyes became heavy. The ceiling faded out of focus.

 

 

 

 

  
  
**_2.2 September 2014, Samwell, MA_**

 

Chowder stared at the ceiling of his dorm.

“You feel a lot of your soulmate, don’t you?” he asked, finally. “You said that in the locker room that day. When you and Dex—”

Nursey didn’t reply straight away, and Chowder felt a familiar twist of self-doubt in his stomach, accompanied by the warmth of soulmate bond. “It seems like I feel everything. Every time they’ve stepped on a LEGO piece. Every time they’ve burnt their fingers. Every time they’ve got a headache.”

Chowder let out a low whistle. He had never heard of someone’s connection being that strong before fixing. “Fuck.”

“Yeah,” Nursey agreed. “They must be the clumsiest person ever, too. The amount of bruises I thought I had when I was little.”

“It’s definitely just one?”

“Huh?”

Chowder shrugged. “Just, I have two soulmates and I don’t think I would have realized if I hadn’t been looking for the clues. Maybe it’s two soulmates who are both a normal amount of clumsy.”

Nursey frowned. “I… I guess? Maybe?” His face twisted in pain.

“What’s happening?” Chowder asked. He felt a surge of anxiety, but the heat in his chest let him know that it wasn’t worry over Nursey, but rather his soulmate’s anxiety.

“Just— They get heartburn sometimes. I thought maybe the surgery they had on their chest would help, but I think it’s got worse since.”

“Chest surgery?” Chowder repeated. The theory that Nursey was one of his soulmates popped into his head again. It would explain why he always felt so warm around him, though not Nursey’s heartburn.

“Like… a year ago they had surgery on their chest. I don’t know, it was all blurred with the anesthetic. But I felt it a lot after when they were recovering.”

“When?”

Nursey stared at him. “Why?”

“Because… Just… When was it?”

“Um. Last November.”

“The twenty-fourth?”

Nursey thought about it. “It was just before Thanksgiving, so I guess… yeah. How do you know?”

“I hoped you couldn’t feel it.”

Nursey sat up straight. “C?”

“I— It had nothing to do with heartburn, Nursey. Last— Last November the twenty-fourth, I had a mastectomy. Because I’m trans.” He frowned. “But I had a hysterectomy the same day.”

Nursey blinked at him, as if he was seeing him for the first time. “I… It hurt, uh, down there for a bit after. I didn’t think it was related, just coincidence because there were always _so many_ things, but… yeah, I guess it was the same time?”

The hope and happiness he felt gave Chowder the courage to shuffle across on the bed until his thigh was pressed against Nursey’s. “Hi.”

“Hi,” Nursey said back, shyly. “I— C, I’m not— I’m asexual. I think. I don’t think my soulbond can be romantic.”

“Okay,” Chowder said, easily. He was a little disappointed, but he knew he had another soulmate, so hopefully they would be interested in a romantic relationship, and besides he had never actually felt any attraction to Nursey before (or to any guys, for that matter). “Can I hug you, though?”

Nursey nodded and settled into Chowder’s arms. After a long silence, he mumbled into Chowder’s shoulder, “I think maybe Dex.”

“Huh?”

“Dex,” Nursey repeated, but Chowder was still unsure what line of thinking he was following.

“What about Dex?”

Nursey pulled away, and stared at Chowder’s pillow. “I keep thinking he’s my soulmate. Some— I kicked him and it hurt me? And I’ve felt checks on him before, too. I’ve been trying to ignore it or brush it off or pretend there’s no way, because _God._ He’s so _white._ And I can’t fucking stand him.”

Chowder tried not to react, but he knew he had failed when Nursey’s face dissolved into remorse.

“I’m sorry, C. I know you want us to be friends. But some of the shit he says—”

“I don’t think you should judge him so quickly. Isn’t that what you’re upset about with him? That he’s judging you without getting to know you? I’m— I’m not going to make excuses for him, and I’m not saying you should just ignore everything he’s done to invalidate you, I just think he’s grown up differently to us, and maybe when you get to know him you won’t think he’s so bad. Especially if he’s your soulmate? It can’t be that bad, can it? He’s got to accept you sometime, because if you’re soulmates that means you’re the most important people in each other’s lives, so—”

“Important isn’t the same as having a _positive_ impact. Soulmate relationships go sour all the time.”

“Nursey,” Chowder sighed. “Can you try? Please. Even— Even if Dex isn’t my soulmate, too, he’s still my best friend as much as you are.”

Nursey picked at the edge of Chowder’s sheets. “Okay. But only for you.”

 

 

 

 

  
  
_**December 2013, Rockport, ME**_

 

“Only for you!”

Will jerked up at the sound of Dan’s voice and looked around, but his brother wasn’t talking to him. Of course he wasn’t, because even though they were family and they were in the same grade, Dan had ignored Will ever since they started at this new school. In their last school, they had been best friends. Will had effortlessly mixed in with Dan’s friends (because they were always Dan’s friends first), and was invited to parties with Dan. Dan, for his part, came to most of the hockey team socials as an honorary team member.

That had ended the day they started at this particular high school. Dan no longer acknowledged Will at school, his friends didn't know Will’s name, and there weren’t many hockey team socials to be invited to anyway. Will tried not to feel bad about it. Less of a social life had given him more time for AP classes. So what if he didn't have anyone to talk about his day with? Did it really matter if he was eating lunch alone, or if he felt nervous every time one of his teammates dragged him along to a house party? His grades were good, he was playing good enough hockey that his coach was pushing him to look into college scholarships, and he had a home to go to at the end of the day with food on the table and adults who were looking out for him. Everything was great.

“Hey, I’m taking the car tonight if you want a lift.”

Will jerked and stared at Dan. It was possibly the first time Dan had talked to him at school, here. “Taking the car to what?”

“Uh this party?” Dan said as if it were obvious. “But I need to know, because I already told Neia that I’d drive her and she said that she might have a couple of friends who’ll want picking up too, so I need to know how many seats I’ll have.”

“I… don’t think I’m invited to this party?” Will said, dubiously. He was pretty sure if this was the first he was hearing about it, that meant he wasn’t invited.

“Really?” Dan sounded surprised. “But it’s at—” he trailed off and looked over his shoulder. “Oh, well, I guess in that case. See you later.”

Will blinked twice at the spot where his brother had stood seconds before. Apparently the conversation was over, and he was definitely not invited to the party that Dan was for some reason surprised he wasn’t invited to. Will shook himself and forced himself to focus on his Spanish vocab lists in preparation for the pop quiz that was probably about to happen. When he felt the eyes of a nearby gossiping group of teenagers on him, he put a smile on his face as if nothing were wrong.

 

 

 

 

  
  
_**October 2014, Samwell, MA**_

 

The smile Chowder offered Dex almost made him think nothing was wrong. As if Bitty hadn’t just come to him trying to play mediator to him and Nursey. As if it wasn’t obviously Chowder who had sent him. “Hi!”

Dex bit back a groan. His enthusiasm was too much. “Hi. Um. Can we talk?”

It wasn’t just Chowder’s face that fell, but his whole body. His shoulders slumped and his head dipped forward so that even his bangs flopped sadly into his eyes. “Oh. Okay. Is… everything okay?”

His stomach turning with guilt, Dex sat down next to him. He wished he knew what to say to reassure him, but the words wouldn’t come. “No,” he said instead. “I mean… yes? I think so, but…” He breathed out a sigh and gripped onto his jeans.

“Dex? You can tell me anything.”

Dex could feel his knuckles through the denim over his thighs. “Can you just accept me and Nursey might never be friends? Not everyone can be friends, C. It’s not that big a deal.”

Chowder frowned at him. “It’s a big deal to me, Dex.”

“But... why?”

“You’re my best friends. Both of you. And if you don't get on then I have to choose between you. Maybe not completely, but when I want to hang out with you or if I have something fun to do that I don’t want to do alone I’ll have to decide between you to invite, because if you don’t get on then I can’t just invite both of you. The way you are at the moment, always arguing and fighting and getting upset when you’re in each other's presence— I can’t expect you to hang out just because I don’t want to choose between you. But the most frustrating part of it is I think you really would like each other if you just _tried._ I know you don’t see eye to eye on a lot of things, but maybe if you were _both_ a bit more open-minded it would be okay.”

It was the seriousness in Chowder’s eyes, and the mixture of pure passion and real frustration in his voice which made Dex ashamed of himself. Chowder was Dex’s first real friend in a long time, and his instinct to be prickly towards Nursey was hurting him. He ducked his head and considered what he would need to sacrifice to give Nursey a chance — very little, it turned out. Yes, he found Nursey irritating and pretentious and the whole ‘chill’ thing was infuriating, but if he stopped to think about why Nursey was like that? Maybe if he knew him better he could understand. And maybe if he paused for a bit to remind himself that Nursey wasn’t deliberately targeting him when he said certain things, or purposefully trying to rile him up in a cruel way, then maybe Dex would be able to hang out with him a little easier.

“There’s no harm in trying, I guess.”

 

 

 

 

  
  
_**February 2011, Andover, MA**_

 

“There’s no harm in trying, I guess,” Derek said, but he still hesitated before he took the bottle offered to him. He had told his teammates that he had never drunk before, and he knew that if Shitty was there then he wouldn’t even be in this position because Shitty was always very particular about not giving the ninth-graders alcohol, but Shitty was away for the weekend at some _thing_ with some faction of his family, which had been happening a lot in the past couple of months since his parents got divorced.

And so it was that Derek found himself hiding away from the teachers with half the PA varsity hockey team, getting his first taste of vodka.

At first, he felt little other than the burn down his throat and the fear of being caught, but as the night went on those fears slowly started to disappear. The teachers were never going to catch them. They had no idea. This sort of thing happened all the time, and even if they did catch them, Derek wasn’t even drunk. They would never be able to tell. Sure, his head felt a little fuzzy and everything was funnier than usual, but Derek doubted it was really that obvious.

And, fuck, he did enjoy the fact that his head was quiet for once. There was no pain in his tooth like there had been the rest of the afternoon ever since his soulmate got hit in the face by... _something._ (A basketball?) There was no pressure to be chill, or to keep his mouth shut, and whenever he made a comment that he was aware he wouldn’t normally say sober, his teammates just laughed it off and brushed it away, rather than tensing or telling him he was too sensitive. Derek accepted another swig of the bottle and smiled at the clear liquid. It didn't even burn that much now that he was used to it.

 

 

 

 

  
  
_**October 2014, Samwell, MA**_

 

He couldn’t feel the burn of alcohol when he poured tub juice down his throat. He was buzzing; he couldn’t feel anything, not even a hint of soulbond pain. Nursey grinned when he saw a flash of red hair not too far away. “Dexy!” he called out and threw an arm around Dex's shoulder.

Dex sipped his drink. “God, you’re so drunk.”

“You wanna get at my level, Poindexter?”

“I'm good.”

The music changed, and Nursey thought he might be able to recognise the opening notes, but he couldn't place it. “Bro,” he said, anyway. “Bro this song. What a tune! It’s our song, Dexy, dance with me.”

“What the fuck, Nurse, we don’t have a song.”

Nursey nodded solemnly. “I’m with you. I need another drink before we can get down to all that Bitty is doing, too.” He waved his hand in the direction of Bitty wiggling his ass next to someone from the swim team.

“That wasn’t what I was saying,” Dex said. Nursey reached out, meaning to grab him around the wrist but somehow missed and threaded their fingers together instead.

“We should go to the Reading Room. I bet the stars are beautiful right now.”

“There's a ton of light pollution here so I doubt it,” Dex said, but for some reason he hadn't dropped Nursey's hand, and he came easily when Nursey led him away. He didn't even protest when Nursey stopped to pick up a couple of beers from the icebox Ransom had put next to the stairs.

“See,” Nursey said, as if he were carrying on a conversation from earlier. “I _told_ Chowder we're getting on better now. Best bros, that's you and me. C's going to be so fucking happy, because he loves me and he loves you and he loves us and he wants us to be best bros. I told him we’re getting on better now.”

“Sure,” Dex replied as he held open the window between Bitty and Jack's rooms so that Nursey could trip through it. “We’re best bros.”

“Yeah,” Nursey said, brushing his hands clean and sitting on a deck chair. “That’s a pretty star.”

“That’s a plane, Nursey.”

Nursey stared at the blinking light, enraptured by it until his eyes caught on the roof over the second floor. He knocked the top of the beer off a bottle with the arm of the deck chair, and passed the other to Dex. “I don’t know why we stay down here when we could go up there.”

Dex hummed as if he wasn’t really paying attention to what Nursey was saying. His eyes were closed. Nursey figured he would just have to see for himself if the view was better from higher up.

“Do you really believe we can get on better?” Dex asked abruptly, while Nursey was in the middle of climbing. He jumped in surprise, and somehow his hand found its way around the drainpipe. He swung his legs up and caught the side of the wall and next thing he knew, he was half on the roof.

“Bro, we’re d-men. We’ve got mad chemistry on the ice. And if Chowder likes you, then why the fuck not?”

Silence followed and Nursey wanted to lean back and see what Dex was doing, but he wasn’t sure if he could do that without falling.

“...Nurse, what are you doing?”

Nursey scrambled with his feet and tumbled up and over so that he was no longer hanging off the edge. “I wanted to see the view.”

“Oh my God. No, Nursey, get down.”

Even if he wasn't sure if he wanted to get down straight away, Dex's words did remind Nursey that he should probably work out how he was going to when it came time to. He peeked over the edge of the roof.

“Woah, chill, that's pretty high up,” he said. It made him feel a little dizzy.

“Yeah, I don’t even know how you managed to get up there.”

Nursey certainly wasn’t sure how he was going to get down and his stomach turned when he thought of what it would be like to fall from where he was, to where Dex was in the Reading Room. “Haha,” he said awkwardly.

Dex stared up at him with an apprehensive expression. “What?”

“I just remembered I’m scared of heights.”

“Oh my God. I’m going to get Jack.”

Fear shot through Nursey. “Please don’t leave me!”

“Oh my— Okay. Okay, fuck. I’ll text him, but— Fuck.”

“Chill,” Nursey reminded himself.

Dex looked down at his phone, frantically texting. He looked back up at Nursey and frowned. “Hey, Nurse?”

“S’up, Poindexter?”

“Stop looking over the edge. Sit down, and shuffle backwards so you’re not as close to the edge. We’re going to get you down, okay?”

“Okay,” Nursey said as he followed Dex’s instructions. It was comforting to hear someone have the situation underhand. “I’m glad you’ve got my back, Dexy.”

“Yeah. Yeah, I’ve got your back.”

Nursey shifted his weight slowly and carefully, until he was lying down. A year must have passed by the time he heard Shitty’s voice. “Fuck! How did he get up there? We gotta ask the fucking LAX bros for their fucking ladder.”

“It’s chill! I'm fine up here!” Nursey said, then because he wasn’t sure why he had said that when he was anything but fine, he added, “lol.” He tried to sit up to try and see Shitty and Jack, but the movement caused his ass to slide a bit on the slate roof, and his foot skidded in front of him. “Woah. Uh oh,” he breathed, but thankfully he didn't move any further.

“Kinda impressed he got up there in the first place, eh,” came Jack’s voice.

“Guys, seriously. Help?” asked Dex.

“What’s going on?” Chowder’s voice joined in. “I felt— Woah! Nursey! Why are you on the roof?”

“Yo, C.” Nursey felt seriously dizzy now.

“Are you okay?”

It was a while before he was down, but Nursey didn’t really remember it happening. He was sure a ladder was involved, and a lot of shouting, and he was pretty sure he must have climbed down on his own because he couldn't imagine Jack carrying him, but one second he was on the roof and a thousand terrifying seconds later his feet were on the ground again. Dex wrapped his arm around Nursey’s waist before he could even go and get another beer to calm his nerves.

“Let’s get you back to your dorm.”

“What? But the kegster!” Nursey argued.

“The kegster’s over for you, Nursey.”

“But—” Nursey whined, but Dex was already steering him away from the Haus.

“I can’t believe you did that. What were you _thinking?_ Jesus, Nurse.”

“Stop shouting at me.”

“I’m not— Fuck.” Dex's arm tightened around him. “Promise me you won’t do that again, please?”

“Mmkay,” Nursey agreed, because the alcohol was now blurring his mind and making his eyes droop shut.

“Thank-you.”

“Knew you cared, Dexy,” Nursey mumbled.

“You’re the worst. I hate you,” Dex said, but the tone of his voice made it hard for Nursey to believe him.

“You’ve got my back.”

Nursey didn’t remember anything else, but he woke the next morning to a bottle of water and a packet of Tylenol next to his bed.

 

 

 

 

  
  
_**June 2014, San Francisco, CA**_

 

Chris woke to a bottle of water and a packet of Tylenol next to his bed. The night before had been his senior prom, and someone had snuck a bottle of rum into the party which they took in turns to pass around. Jerry had drunkenly announced that Maisy was his soulmate and that had led to a lot of squealing and plotting which culminated in half the graduating class screaming it at her while he tried to tell her seriously. Laughing, Chris and his friends had wandered off to a secluded area on the edge of the grounds, lit up a couple of joints and started reminiscing on their time at school. Now it was all over, and they would each be going to opposite sides of the country for college. In just a few months, Chris would be in Massachusetts. He remembered looking at Jerry and Maisy, a little separated from the group, talking in undertones and sharing a joint. He would be going to Seattle next year, and she would be at Berkeley.

Chris thought about it, lying in bed the next morning. Despite some of his friends thinking it made sense why Jerry hadn’t said anything sooner, Chowder wasn’t so sure that it was the right decision. After all, it meant they had less time together, knowing, and less time to work out how they would handle being apart. As he took his Tylenol and searched for the energy to get out of bed and go downstairs for breakfast, Chris made the decision that as soon as he found out who his soulmate was, he would let them know.

 

 

 

 

  
  
_**November 2014, Samwell, MA**_

 

He would let them know, he reminded himself. Five months before he had vowed to let his soulmate know when he did, and yet here he was laughing and joking with Nursey and Dex and Dex still had no idea of his and Nursey's theory. The warmth was almost overwhelming, that feeling of home and happiness intermingled with his proximity to his soulmates. Chowder had little doubt, now. He felt the thrill of Nursey and Dex's play fighting. He felt the chirps and teasing and mild flirtations which nudged at him with a warmth and friendliness that reassured him that Nursey and Dex weren’t really fighting. They were past that, now.

“I have to go to class,” Dex said, pushing Nursey away from him.

“Have fun,” Chowder said. Dex lifted a hand in farewell as he left the room.

“We’re bros, now,” Nursey said.

“You spent the whole time bickering.”

“It’s just chirping. He totally loves me. As a bro.”

Chowder rolled his eyes. “Did you just no homo your soulmate?”

“He would no homo this.”

“You don’t know that.”

Nursey tilted his head in acknowledgement and spread out on the floor.

Chowder pulled his knees up to his chest and wrapped his arms around his legs. Dex didn’t even know that they were soulmates, so how would he react if Chowder pointed out how flirtatious he and Nursey had just been acting with each other?

“What's up, C?”

“I didn’t say anything.”

Nursey knocked his knuckles against Chowder's foot. “I can feel you worrying.”

“I just... I think we should tell Dex. That he’s our soulmate. He should know. We need to talk about this with him. I...”

“Okay.”

Chowder's eyes had dropped to his knees, but now they snapped back up to Nursey. “What?”

“Okay. I agree. It’s not chill of us to keep it from him. We should tell him.”


	3. Part Three

_**February 2007, Portland, ME** _

 

 

There was a time when Will had loved having a soulmate. Sometimes, when he was bored in class, he would pinch his arm and grin when he felt the pinch back. Jess would look on in jealousy, but their dad had told them that that when she found her soulmate, she would know how it felt. All of them would be happy for her then, so she should be happy for Will now.

Will, for his part, crawled into her bed at nights and whispered that they were twins forever, and he would never leave her. He made the most of those ghost touches that they could feel across what he didn’t think was a soulbond - because it wasn’t as strong as his actual soulbond, and besides, he could only have _one_ soulmate - but which must be their twinbond or something. It put the smile back on her face as she giggled and kicked and pulled his hands away from his own stomach because _stop that, it tickles._ Will would wrap his arms around her, instead, and tell her she had nothing to worry about from his soulmate, because nobody would ever be more important to Will than Jess. The whole thing was bullshit.

 

 

 

_**November 2014, Samwell, MA** _

 

 

The whole thing was bullshit. The commercial on the screen was one Dex had seen dozens of times, and it wasn’t the first time he had heard Shitty’s rant about the sexism, and the ridiculousness of using soulmates as a way to sexualize women in advertising _men’s_ underwear. He could see Nursey eyeing him up, looking for a weakness. He probably thought that Dex was turned on by the scantily-clad girls. He shook his head at the surrealism of the situation and prayed the commercial would end already.

“It’s alright for you to talk, Shitty,” Bitty said. “You’ve found your soulmate. It’s different for those of us who haven’t. It’s easy to want that.” He nodded at the television.

Ransom and Holster looked at each other, with blank expressions. Shitty blinked at Lardo. Ollie and Wicky exchanged awkward glances.

“Right,” Bitty breathed. “I’m talking to a room full of people who are fixed.”

It wasn’t quite true, but Dex didn’t correct him, and neither did anyone else.

* * *

“About the whole soulmate thing…” Nursey started up when they were on the way back to the dorms. He exchanged a look with Chowder, who nodded encouragingly, but neither of them said anything.

“What?” Dex asked.

“Okay. Okay, I’m just going to ask. Chowder and I. We’re soulmates but we have another. Is it you?”

Dex felt as if the world was crashing around his ears. “What?”

Nursey looked more nervous than he had ever seen before. “You heard me.”

Their dynamic would never be the same again. They had been a perfectly balanced trio, with Chowder at the center, drawing the other two together, but if he and Nursey had a soulbond, then that was it for Dex. Just as everyone in the past had left him, or he had ended pushing away, now Chowder and Nursey had each other and didn’t need him. They’d had a good run — a friendship of about three months — and it was inevitable that Will was going to lose them eventually, so he shouldn’t feel so upset that it was now, before he could get too attached.

“Dex?” Chowder said. “It’s you?”

“No,” he choked out. His chest twinged. “It’s not me.”

“But— ” Chowder’s lip wobbled. Nursey had his eyes squeezed together in pain. “I can feel you.”

“It’s not me,” Will repeated. “I’ve already met my soulmate.”

Chowder’s mouth dropped open. “But— I can feel— Dex, please breathe. I know you’re about to have a panic attack if you keep—”

“You’re wrong,” Dex said, and he forced his words to be even. “It’s not me you can feel. I’ve already met her.”

“But what if—”

“I know what it’s like. Having a soulmate. And only one other person ever came close to feeling like that. I don’t… feel that with you two.”

The disappointment on Chowder’s face hurt almost as much as the memory of Jess’s face contorting into that same expression when Will found his soulmate, back when they still thought feeling the ghost of each other was just a twin thing. Later research had told him that there was a chance she had been a soulmate because people whose soulmates had died in childhood rarely felt the bond strongly. It was wind on his fingers, rather than a firm pressure that kept him grounded.

He thought of the past few months at Samwell and tried to remember feeling even the slightest brush from Chowder or Nursey.

He couldn’t.

 

 

 

_**April 2012, Andover, MA** _

 

 

He couldn’t leave his room ever again.

Derek wasn’t one to be ashamed of how his soulmate bond affected him, but he had to admit that there was something embarrassing about asking to be excused from class because of period pains somebody else was experiencing. At least his classmates didn’t know why he was clutching his abdomen as he rushed from the room, pass to the wellness center in hand.

The school knew that he had issues with soulbond pain, but it took a while to convince the nurse that he didn’t have appendicitis or any other medical emergency to be checked out at a hospital. Finally, she gave him leave to miss the rest of his classes that day and go back to his room.

He collapsed on his bed and held onto Tigger, wishing he was at home instead of at Phillips Academy, Andover. The cramps tightened, and he groaned, curling up on himself, and pressing Tigger into his stomach, but they weren’t his pains, and years had passed since his Ma had flushed his blockers down the toilet because of how low his mood dropped when he was on them, so nothing he did could ease the pain. All he could do was hope his soulmate would take some Tylenol soon.

 

 

 

_**November 2014, Samwell, MA** _

 

 

All he could do was hope Dex— no, his _soulmate_ would take some Tylenol. Not Dex, because Dex wasn’t his soulmate. Somebody else’s chest was burning, and it wasn’t Chowder who was frowning at the plush shark on his bed, and it certainly wasn’t Dex who had stormed off, upset by their conversation.

“He’s right,” Nursey said, decisively. He tangled his fingers into Chowder’s sheets in an attempt to ignore the tightness in his chest.

Chowder twisted his head to look at him. “How can he be? You can feel it, Nursey. That anxiety— Your heartburn.”

“I know, but— Have you had a period since your hysterectomy?”

Chowder blanched. “No. And… actually, I went on birth control when I was fourteen. I still had the occasional one on and off, but my last was when I was sixteen.”

Nursey nodded. They had spoken about how they felt their bonds in different ways at length in the couple of weeks, and while he felt physical pain and pressures and touch, Chowder felt heat and prickling and tingling. Only on a few rare occasions had he felt genuine pain, so he didn’t know what Nursey knew. “I think my soulmate is about to have their period. I can feel it. I’ve been feeling it every month for six years,” Nursey told him.

Chowder’s mouth opened, then closed again. “But Dex—”

“Look, I thought it was Dex, too. But I wasn’t thinking about the period thing, and Dex is the most cis white guy to ever. If he says he’s not our soulmate, maybe we just need to believe him. My Ma’s a soulbond specialist, and she says one of the biggest mistakes people can make is assuming someone else is their soulmate without checking it. And we’ve asked him and he doesn’t think it needs checking because he doesn’t believe it’s him, so— So I guess that’s our answer.”

 

 

 

_**January 2007, Los Angeles, CA** _

 

 

“I guess that’s our answer!”

“No, that’s a _stupid_ answer.”

Caitlin rubbed her hands over her face in frustration. She had taken the external transmitters of her cochlear implants out, seeking a bit of silence in a chaotic day at school, and immediately found herself listening to children arguing over some group project at a school that was probably miles away. She escaped to the girls’ bathroom and fitted one transmitter back into her ear. The sound of the argument disappeared and she sighed in relief.

For years, Caitlin thought that it was normal to hear the echoes of conversations which weren’t happening when she wasn’t wearing her transmitters. She knew that whatever little natural hearing she had been born with had been destroyed when they inserted the implants, but she assumed that her brain just didn’t like the silence and filled the void itself. Sometimes it was quiet, but other times she would hear snippets of conversation overlapping each other.

A woman singing.

The roar of a crowd in an arena.

Children screaming.

Chirpy chit chat in another language.

She was nine and it was bedtime when she realized that the past couple of nights, she had heard the same family having the same winding down for bed conversations. She rolled over, listening intently as the mother told the child to brush their teeth, and the child begged the father to tell a bedtime story.

The words of the story faded away, and Caitlin was lulled into sleep before the end.

When she tried to listen the next night, she couldn’t hear anything. The world was silent, just as it should be.

 

 

 

_**November 2014, Samwell, MA** _

 

 

The world was silent, just as it should be, and Cait span around at River Quad, appreciating Samwell’s beauty at night, and how different it felt now that it was Thanksgiving break. She was dizzy from the shots they had taken before leaving the Dig, but still accepted April’s hip flask and let the liquid burn down her throat. Zoey hooked her arm through Cait’s and pulled her around so that she could see a piggyback race about to start on the other side of the quad.

“Those are my eyes!”

Cait jumped, and her arm dropped from Zoey’s. A frown on her face, March pointed at her, then shaped her fingers into an okay sign. Cait nodded. She wasn’t going to try and explain that her soulmate, or someone near her soulmate was shouting.

There was movement at the periphery of her vision, and Zoey moved abruptly. Cait turned just in time for one of the piggyback riders to fling himself off his friend’s back, and right into Cait. They tumbled to the ground, and Cait gasped as her back slammed painfully against the sidewalk.

The boy on top of her looked horrified. “Oh my God, are you okay? I’m so sorry!”

“I’m okay,” Cait assured him, breathing heavily as he scrambled to his feet and held out a hand to pull her up. “Are you? You got like, eight foot of air!”

“I’m okay. I’m so sorry. Are you sure you’re okay?”

“It’s all good. Seriously.”

“Like, totally seriously?”

Cait stared at him, and the way his mouth was twitching into a grin, and shook her head. “Don’t.”

He grinned, revealing a set of teal braces. “Where are you from?”

“I’m not telling you.”

“Come on! I’m from San Francisco. Californians have got to stick together over here. San Fernando Valley?”

Cait shook her head vehemently. “No! I’m not a valley girl!”

“Don’t deny yourself, babe!” March called over

“March is a proper valley girl,” Cait told the boy. “I’m not.”

He chuckled, but let it drop. “I’m Chris. Well, these guys call me Chowder, but that’s a hockey nickname, but you can call me whatever you-”

“Hi, Chris. I’m Caitlin. Caitlin Farmer. I’m on the volleyball team. You play hockey?”

“Excuse me, we have to go,” said another hockey player, this one probably 6’4, and the build of a defenseman, so Cait wasn’t going to argue.

They was halfway across the road when Cait realized that she had heard Chris say, “But I didn’t get her number,” to his friend as clearly as if he had been stood next to her.

And then she remembered that she shouldn’t have been able to hear any of that conversation.

April hit her arm to get her attention, and frowned at her.

“I think… I think that was my soulmate.”

 

 

 

_**April 2004, San José, CA** _

 

 

“I think that was my soulmate.”

Chris looked around the crowds and frowned at his sister. “Uh... Which one?”

Shelley stood up on tiptoes, not that it would help her see through the hordes of Sharks fans. “He knocked into me. The one in the Nabokov jersey.”

“I’m wearing a Nabokov jersey.”

“Not you, pipsqueak. He’s like, two years older than me, probably.”

“That’s old,” Chris said, even though so many of the people around them were actual adults and so a lot bigger than the fourteen year old they were apparently looking for.

“What if I never meet him again?” Shelley asked. “What if I was supposed to talk to him then, or we were always destined to brush in the crowd and never see each other again?”

“Soulmates are the most important person to you. Even more important than Mom and Dad and Papa,” Chris told her. That’s what Mom always said, anyway.

“But how does that work? Maybe all it does is gives you the first meeting and if you get that wrong, that’s it.”

The buzz of the Sharks’ win had disappeared now. “How did you know?” Chris asked. As he scanned the crowd again, looking for Shelley’s soulmate, his eyes found a girl his own age. She had light brown hair and blue eyes and crooked teeth that were bared in a smile. “I don't want to miss meeting mine,” he said. The girl’s hands moved quickly but with purpose, as if they meant something. Chris tilted his head, and opened his mouth to ask what she was doing but it turned out that Shelley had been talking to him while he was distracted, describing the flutters she felt in her chest when the boy had brushed past her.

“There you are!”

Chris jumped and turned to look at his Dad with wide eyes. “Yes?” They hadn’t moved, so he didn’t know where else he expected them to be.

“We were halfway back to the car. Why weren’t you following us?”

“Dad! Dad, I think I met my soulmate!” Shelley said, grabbing on Chris’s hand to drag him along the row of seats towards Dad.

“Well you can tell me about him in the car. We want to get on the road quickly if we’re going to get back home at a reasonable time.”

 

 

__

_**November 2014, Samwell, MA** _

 

 

They went straight back to the Haus after the piggyback races, and had just sat down to eat the pies that had been cooling while they were out, when there was a banging on the door.

“Whatever is that racket?” Bitty asked, as he went to see who was there.

Chowder poked his head into the hallway curiously.

“Go get him!” someone hissed, and the girl he had just met - Caitlin - was pushed through the door. She stumbled a little, and Bitty automatically reached out a hand to steady her, though he stared at her wide eyed.

“Hi there?”

“Hi, I— I’m Cait? I just met—” She trailed off, and Chowder’s heart skipped when she looked over Bitty’s shoulder in his direction, but her eyes settled on something else, behind Chowder. Her eyebrows shot up. “Will?”

Chowder turned to Dex. His chest burned with anxiety, and looking at the fear written over Dex’s face, he once again marvelled that Dex couldn’t feel what he did; that he would deny that there was a bond between them.

“Hi Caity,” Dex croaked. He looked like he was going to be sick. Chris _felt_ sick, but he couldn’t say why.

Cait didn’t say anything, but rather her hands fluttered around her ear, then shaped into signs that meant nothing to Chowder. He frowned when Dex responded in kind. They exchanged this silent sign language conversation with the rest of the SMH looking on in confusion, until Dex abruptly turned to Chowder and said, “We should talk.” He glanced at Holster, hovering a bit too close, and added, “In private.”

“Yes, of course,” Bitty said, pushing Ransom and Holster towards the stairs. “You take the den, we’ll leave you be!”

Dex signed to Caitlin again, and she signed back. “It’s okay, Bits. We’re going to Caity’s dorm. She wants her cochlear implants. So I don’t have to translate for her.”

“But—” Chowder frowned. If she had heard him back at River Quad, why would she go back to her dorm and take _out_ the implants that enabled her to hear before she came to the Haus?

Dex was already out on the porch, so Chowder hurried to catch up, but he needn’t have rushed because Dex turned around and raised an eyebrow at Nursey.

“Are you coming or what?”

“I’m invited?” Nursey asked in surprise, but he kept his voice down so only Chowder heard.

 


	4. Part Four

**_~~(August 2001, Los Angeles, CA)~~  
November 2013, Rockport, ME_ **

 

 

Will was 5 when he discovered his cousin, Caitlin, was his soulmate, after he fell out a tree and she was the one who cried out in pain. Their parents wouldn’t take them to a soulbond specialist because of the expense but they did some experimentation themselves to confirm it. Jess was upset because she and Will had only ever experienced tingles of each other’s feelings. She’d  _ never  _ felt anything as strong as Will felt Caity but she’d hoped he would be her soulmate. Will didn’t understand why Jess wouldn’t be his soulmate, and he didn’t understand why they could feel even a little if they weren’t — maybe it was a twin thing? Most twins in literature were soulmates and there wasn’t much research on non-soulmate twins’ bonds, as far as Will knew.

The years went on, and the distance between them grew, even more than the geographical distance between California and Maine. The car crash happened, and he made his vow to protect her; to keep his feelings from her and to numb his own pain, but there were some feelings which were too big. The bond never grew fully dormant, so there were times he couldn’t ignore Caity.

It was a few days before Thanksgiving, his senior year of high school, when Will felt a chill run through his own body, as if a heat source had suddenly been taken away. An overwhelming sense of tiredness coarsed through him, and Will sank to the floor in the bathroom, still clutching his toothbrush.

He shouldn’t be awake, he realized, when he felt the ghost of a knife across his chest. Doctors hadn’t discovered a safe way to protect soulmates from surgery. While the patients themselves underwent anaesthetic, the drug could have a strange effect on soulbonds, one which baffled doctors so much that Will had seen it talked about in the news, and in mainstream media. There were soulmates who felt just a little of what the patient would if they weren’t anesthetized.

Will was trying not to cry when someone banged on the bathroom door.

“Hurry up, asshole,” Dan shouted. “Some of us have places to be today.”

Will bit his lip and pulled himself to his feet. He rinsed his toothbrush off and dropped it back into the cup where it lived. Dan glared at him when he opened the door.

“Finally.”

Will pushed past him and stumbled back to his room. He couldn’t think about the knife slicing Caity’s chest open, or why she might be having such surgery at all. He couldn’t think about his Auntie Rachel, who he’d only found out had breast cancer after she had died. He couldn’t think about his soulmate, or about pain, or about how everyone he loved always ended up leaving him somehow.

 

 

He must have passed out on his bed, because he woke to his foster sister jumping on top of him, hours later.

 

The pain had gone.

Warmth filled his body again, this time stronger and more comforting than ever before.

 

 

 

**_November 2014, Samwell, MA_ **

 

 

Warmth filled his body, when Dex ran into Cait, but something in him made him keep running. It was as though he had seen a ghost. Even though Chowder was no longer on his back, he ran on, past the crowd of volleyball girls, picking up the speed until he was clutching his knees and panting in front of a confused Shitty.

The feeling flooded back with Cait in the doorway to the Haus, but this time there was nowhere to run.

“Hi Caity,” he forced out.

She signed her response.  _ “I can’t hear you.” _

Right. He could see there was nothing in her ears, so he should have realized as much.  _ “Sorry. Hi. So… You’re here.” _

_ “Mom thought her soulmate had been at Samwell. I figured maybe it would work for me to find mine. And I was right.” _

_ “How did you know that I would choose here?” _

_ “I mean… I don’t just mean that I found you.” _

Will frowned, ignoring the curious looks of his teammates.  _ “What do you mean?” _

_ “Earlier… How much of the conversation I had with your teammate Chris did you hear?” _

That certainly made him pause.  _ “You had a conversation? But— He knows ASL?”  _ He glanced at Chowder, but the answer to his question was written in Chowder’s bewildered expression.

_ “No, but sometimes I can hear what my soulmate can hear.” _

Dex shook his head.  _ “I’m your soulmate. I couldn’t hear that.” _

_ “I have three.” _

Dex stared at the three fingers she held up and shook his head. He looked at her, not sure how to believe what she was saying. Three…  _ soulmates? _

He thought of Nursey nervously asking if he was his soulmate.

He thought of Chowder so confident in his belief that he had more than one.

“We should talk,” he told Chowder and Nursey.

They were at the end of Jason Street when Nursey wrapped his hand around Chowder’s and squeezed. The action was small, probably intended to be subtle, but it brought a lump to Dex’s throat, and he could see Cait eyeing up their hands.

“You can’t tell us anything yet?” Chowder asked, an anxious edge to his voice. Cait jumped.

“Yeah,” she said, quietly. “We can talk, now.”

“What? But—” Nursey glanced between them.

Cait shook her head. “No. Gone again. Fuck.”

“What’s gone?”

_ “Hey,” _ Dex signed.  _ “It’s okay. Don’t worry about it. Can I tell them what you’ve already told me?” _ As soon as Cait nodded, he reached out for her hand, squeezing it in the same comforting way that Nursey had squeezed Chowder’s, then addressed his friends. “She can sometimes hear what her soulmate can hear. But, uh, apparently it’s a bit unpredictable.”

“Her soulmate?” Chowder repeated in wonder.

Dex looked down at their feet and gathered his nerves. “I told you I’d already met my soulmate. Well… This is Caity. She’s my cousin. And when we were five, we discovered we were soulmates.”

Chowder’s eyes were wide, and slightly glazed over as if he were remembering something. “When you were five…”

“Yeah,” Dex said, even though he wasn’t sure what Chowder meant by that. “But I didn’t really think she was—” He choked on his words. A flood of emotion washed over him, as he thought of this time last year, and him sobbing each day with the dulling twinge of pain in his chest, and the thought of what it meant for his Caity. Seeing her was like seeing a ghost, and not just because she looked like her momma.

“Dex?”

“Will?”

Chowder and Cait’s voices overlapped, their worry sounding much too similar. Cait gripped tightly onto his hand and wiped at his face, asking with her eyes what he was upset about. Dex pulled his hand free from hers.

_ “I thought I’d lost you. You had that surgery and I thought— After your momma, as well—” _

Cait frowned at him. “Surgery?” she asked, speaking out loud, guessing correctly that he was crying too hard to be able to read sign language right now. “Will, I never had surgery. That was—” She trailed off and glanced at Chowder, who stepped backwards, bumping into Nursey.

“How?” Chowder asked.

Dex’s head was starting to hurt.

 

 

 

**_September 2002, New York, NY_ **

 

 

Derek’s head was starting to hurt, a stabbing pain between his eyes to accompany the earache which had given him grief all of Tuesday. That morning — Wednesday morning — he had begged Ma to let him have the day off school. His parents had agreed that he shouldn’t waste one of his soulmate leave days on a bit of earache and sent him to school anyway. His first grade teacher took pity on him and let him stay inside at recess, and she didn't say a word when he spent their classroom play time curled on a beanbag in the corner, reading a book two stages below his reading ability. At the end of the day, she had a quiet word with Derek’s Uncle who was picking him up and said perhaps the pain was more uncomfortable than his parents had thought so if it’s still bad in the morning, don’t worry about keeping Derek off school because he would still be leaps and bounds ahead of his classmates academically.

Uncle let Derek run ahead along the city streets and only made him hold his hand when they got to Leila’s middle school. She chattered non-stop the whole way home, while Derek stayed quiet, miserable from the ache, and wishing his sister would just shut up.

“What’s up with grumpy?” She asked their uncle as he settled them into seats on the subway.

“Soulbond pain.”

Leila rolled her eyes. “He’s always got soulbond pain.”

Derek kicked her ankle.

Uncle didn’t reprimand either of them, but his silence the rest of the journey was somehow more damning.

When they got to the station on Uncle’s block, Leila ran off ahead but Uncle took Derek’s hand to make sure they didn’t get separated.

“Do you want to watch a movie?” Uncle asked, lifting Derek into his arms, which Derek appreciated because he was tired and didn't feel like walking. He rested his head on Uncle's shoulder and nodded.

There was a shift as they entered the house, but Derek was used to that. Unlike his own house, with Ma and Daddy and Leila, Uncle and Auntie and cousins Priyanka and Kavisha didn’t speak English at home, and so Derek could hear Leila cooing to Kavisha in Gujarati and Auntie was greeting them in the same way, though with less of the baby talk. Priyanka stared at Derek with big brown eyes from behind her mother’s leg, even though he was at their house every week so she should hardly be shy around him now.

“What’s wrong with Daruk?” she asked, and there was a quiver in her voice. “Does he not like school?”

That must be why she was acting so timid. Priyanka was due to start grade school after summer vacation and Ma had said at dinner the other day that she had started crying a lot when Uncle and Auntie dropped her off at nursery school as her time there drew to an end.

He wriggled out of Uncle’s arms so that he could be on her level. “I like school,” he reassured her. “My…” he trailed off with a frown. He didn’t know how to say soulmate in Gujarati.

“His better half is hurt,” Uncle said. “Why don’t you find a video for you two to watch?”

Priyanka took Derek’s hand and led him into the den, where Leila was crouched on Kavisha’s play mat waving baby toys in front of her.

“You’ll like this movie,” Priyanka said to Derek, putting a video into the player. “It's about someone really strong like you and I think the really pretty muse looks like Leila.”

Uncle brought them cups of water and a bowl of popcorn just as a firework drew an arch over the Disney castle, and  _ Hercules  _ started to play.

The video was in English, to Derek’s relief because he didn’t have the energy to concentrate on a language that didn’t come so naturally to him yet, and he was able to snuggle into the cushions and blankets of the couch and watch without thinking too hard about anything, least of all the dull ache in his ear.

Derek was buzzing by the time the movie came to a close. “It’s gonna be so great. I can’t wait to meet my… my better half. I’m not going to be like Meg and say I don’t want them. Why did she sing that song?  _ I won’t say I’m in love _ . That one. They were fixed.” Here, Derek said the direct translation for the word ‘fixed’ or ‘repaired’, not realizing that it was a second meaning of the word in English, which had a different translation in Gujarati.

“Linked,” Ma corrected. Derek turned to see her standing in the doorway. He hadn’t noticed her arrive, but rather than say ‘hello’, he continued to chatter.

“They were linked so why would she not want Hercules? She knew they were linked because it was so magical when they met. It’s always like that?”

Ma smiled at him. “It’s never like that in real life. Most people don’t even link at first sight. It takes time and work.”

Derek pouted. “I won’t know straight away?”

“Probably not, sweetheart. And it won’t be easy straight away either. But you know you’re going to be very important to each other’s happiness so if you work to build your relationship, you know you can be very happy one day.”

“Okay,” he said, still frowning. “Like Hercules and Meg at the end. But why’s she hurt him before she makes him happy?”

“Oh sweetheart. That’s why I say it won’t be easy straight away. It’s always more complicated than that,” Ma said with a chuckle and she sat between him and Priyanka and pulled him onto her lap to explain, but by the time she was telling him about Greek mythology, Derek felt even more confused.

 

 

 

**_November 2014, Samwell, MA_ **

 

 

Nursey felt even more confused when he sat down on Cait’s roommate’s bed than he had when she first crashed into the hall of the Haus. It didn’t help that his head was hurting, too, but in that fuzzy way it did when his pain was soulbond pain. His foot wiggled in impatience as Cait attached two pieces of a device together, which she then hooked behind her ear. A wire was already plugged into the device, and on the other end of this wire was a disc which seemed to clip to the side of Cait’s head.

“Okay, let’s talk,” she said, as she prepared a second device.

“Do you have any Tylenol?” Nursey asked. He was curious about what was going on, and why Dex had asked him to come with them, but he couldn’t think straight with the throbbing behind his eyes.

“Uh. Yeah.” She dug in a drawer, and threw a box of pills in Nursey’s direction.

Nursey opened the box, then looked around. “Chill. Which one of you has a headache?”

“Not me,” Chowder said, spinning back and forth on Cait’s desk chair.

“Will,” Cait said. Dex shot her a betrayed glare, and she shrugged. Nursey handed a pill to Dex, who scowled at him, but dutifully took it.

Cait retreated to her own bed, and they sat in silence. Finally, Chowder spun to face Nursey, with a raised eyebrow, and Nursey tilted his head to the side.

“Dex, I’m going to ask you again. Are you our soulmate?”

Dex shifted next to him on the bed. “Maybe? I— I haven’t really felt much in a long time. I don’t know. And I know that’s my own fault because I tried to—”

“You didn’t try to make it dormant?” Nursey asked in horror. Soulmate bonds could go dormant by themselves in rare cases, but trying to force them that way had serious consequences.

“No! No, I know that could have hurt her more. I was trying to protect her. I just didn’t want her to feel what I felt.”

Caitlin let out a wounded whine, but Nursey’s mind was reeling from the implications of what Dex was telling him. He had  _ numbed  _ the bond. Nursey hadn’t realized that was possible. He’d have to ask his ma about that later. “But you felt some things?”

“Yeah. Yeah, it’s not dormant. But— But shouldn’t it have all come flooding back when I met you two? Or your bonds at least?”

Nursey shook his head slowly. “It doesn’t work like that,” he said, his mind full of Disney movies and his ma’s patient explanation of why fixing at first sight was so rare. “It doesn’t work like that, but now we’ve got you, we’re not letting you go. We’ve got four years here, and fuck knows I’m working at this  _ so  _ hard. You’ll feel us again.”

Dex looked down in his lap, his lips pressed together tightly, but his shoulder knocked against Nursey’s. Nursey pressed back. It was going to be okay.

“How did you even know?” Dex asked, finally, looking up at Caitlin. “How could you realize that I wasn’t your only soulmate? That’s— I didn’t even know that could happen.”

“It happens a lot, actually,” Nursey said. “My ma’s got books on it I can lend you.”

Caitlin pulled her feet up onto the bed and gave Dex a searching look. “There were just some things— Thinking that they could be you— It was odd.”

 

 

 

**_July 2006, Los Angeles, CA_ **

 

 

It was odd that Caitlin felt so warmed by her soulmate when she could feel the ocean beneath her feet. In her memory, it had always been cold on boats, particularly the fishing boats her cousins went on in Maine. Then again, water never lapped at their feet on the boats, either. Caitlin tried to place the sensation. It was almost like… skateboarding? Caitlin frowned. Skateboarding on water: was Will  _ surfing? _

It didn’t feel right. Not something Will would do, but maybe she was wrong. He loved skating, after all. Perhaps he was trying something new.

“Caitlin!” her father shouted up the stairs. “Dinner!”

She tried not to sway too much as she walked down the stairs, because her father didn’t like it when people dwelled on soulmates who weren’t even in the same state as them. Probably because he had never met his own soulmate. Caitlin collected her plate from the kitchen and found her step-mom and step-sister watching the news in the living room. Her father wasn’t there, probably shut away in his study.

« _ New England continues to see heavy rainfall as the hurricane continues her path North. Flash floods in Massachusetts have caused devastation, and several power outages in Maine and New York State can be attributed to strong gusts of wind. Here in Pennsylvania… _ »

Caitlin stared at the pictures on the television screen, letting the words blur into white noise. If the East coast was so badly affected by this hurricane, why had Will — cautious, risk-averse Will — been surfing?

Unless he wasn’t the only person she was feeling.

 

 

 

**_November 2014, Samwell, MA_ **

 

 

“Once I knew Will wasn’t the only person I was feeling—” She shook her head, frowning. “I don’t know. I guess it was easy for me to see that there were three. You all feel different.”

“It all felt the same to me,” Chowder said, looking a little disappointed.

“Maybe it was easier for me knowing Will? I knew it wasn’t him going for a run at nine p.m. on the East Coast when that was past his curfew time. But I also knew it wasn’t him having curry for breakfast that one time. And most thirteen year olds don't have a casual curry at four in the morning if the curry eater was the same as the runner who was potentially my timezone. Two others made sense.”

“When you say we all feel different, what do you mean?” Nursey asked curiously.

“Will... I can’t describe Will, he just feels like him. It makes sense to me. He felt detached and numb, but it was still definitely  _ Will.  _ Chowder is the easiest to figure out. He’s warmth.”

“Of course he is,” Nursey said with a smile. “Actually, yeah, I get that. I think... I don’t know. Maybe if I think about it I would be able to tell the difference between the three of you.”

“I feel all of you as warmth,” Chowder piped in. “To me, warmth just means soulmates.”

Cait smiled at him. She could feel her eyes going soft and there were probably hearts in them. The bond with Chowder was the one she had always been sure was romantic. It sent butterflies to her stomach everytime she felt it, and she felt a fondness and an intense love for the bond, before she had ever met the soulmate at the other end of it. It sang to her, as if it were a siren calling her home, and whenever she heard snippets of that soulmate’s life, she had yearned to know them more.

“What do I feel like?” Nursey asked, bringing Cait out of her trance.

“Oh, um. I never really figured it out, actually?”

Nursey's face fell. “What?”

“I mean... Just that it seemed to go quiet for weeks at a time, like it was just hanging out but then when it did do something it was really intense. Like it was going haywire. And it would stay like that for ages and then all of a sudden it would be calm again.”

Nursey chewed on his lips. “Oh.”

“Sorry. If that's not... What you wanted to hear.”

“No, it... It makes sense. I... guess you were feeling me in manic episodes more than anything else.”

Dex and Chowder straightened up so suddenly that Cait knew they hadn’t known before. She tried to ignore them and focus on Nursey. “Oh. I'm sorry. I was probably only feeling a fraction of what you were. Are you…” she trailed off, not wanting to make any assumptions about his mental health.

“Bipolar,” he said. “It’s chill. I’m on medication for it.”

“Nursey…” Chowder said, but Nursey shrugged it off.

“We should talk about this, then,” he deflected. “That we’re soulmates.”

Dex stood up abruptly. “I have to go.”

Cait stared after him, feeling confused and lost. “Will?”

“Dex, aren't we going to talk about this?” Nursey asked.

“Leave it, Nurse. I have to go,” he snapped. Cait blinked in shock. She had never heard him speak so sharply before, and she had no idea why he would react like that. The door slammed behind him and the room was left in silence.

“I’ll go,” Nursey muttered.

Cait turned to Chowder for an explanation, now that it was only the two of them left.

“He didn’t believe us. When Nursey and I told him he was our soulmate. He was pretty insistent that it couldn’t be him. Even though we were telling him that it was both of us and it was possible for him to have more than one.”

“Sometimes it can be hard to hear you were wrong about something,” Cait suggested, but that didn’t feel big enough.

Chowder shrugged, and moved to join her on her bed. “He’ll come around. When he’s got his head around the idea. Honestly, it might be Nursey that’s the problem. They don’t get on.”

“They don’t?” Cait hadn’t seen much evidence of them being on poor terms with each other, especially in how closely they had sat together on Makena’s bed. She could understand Will not being happy if his soulmate was someone he didn’t like, though.

“Nah,” Chowder said, pulling his feet up so that he was sat cross-legged. Cait was glad he had left his shoes by the door. “But they don’t argue with each other all the time any more. And they’re soulmates, so…” His lips twisted and he looked down at his socks (Sharks teal, Cait noted).

“They’ll get there,” she reassured him. If they were soulmates, then one day they would not only be able to tolerate each other but they would be among the most important people in each other’s lives.

Chowder didn’t look convinced, so Cait poked him in the foot with her own toe. “So the Sharks,” she said, even though his hoodie was a lot more obvious than the socks.

Chowder grinned. “Yeah! Do you like hockey?”

“I do! I’ve been to  _ so  _ many games,” Cait said. It might not be that many compared to someone living in the Bay Area who probably had season tickets, but she went to minor league games a lot and tried to catch the Sharks at the STAPLES center at least once a season.

“Cool! Who do you— oh no.” Chowder's face dropped comically. It took Cait a moment to realize why.

“I’m... not a Kings fan if that’s what you’re worried about.” She glanced at the Sharks poster on her wall, but Chowder didn’t notice.

“Ducks?”

She waved at the poster. “Dude. Sharks.”

Chowder stared at the poster, jaw dropped. He squeaked in excitement and threw his arms around Cait.

“Oh!” she said in surprise. His chest moved against hers as he started laughing in relief, and pulled her down with him. Cait wriggled a little, trying to free up her arms so that she could hug him back, but Chowder’s eyes flickered to hers and widened.

“Oh,” he said, pulling away as far as the bed would allow. “I’m sorry. I should have asked—”

“It’s okay.” Cait grabbed his arm and put it back around his waist. “This is okay.”

For a moment, they stared at each other, unsure what to do or how to react. Chowder looked spooked, and worried that she didn’t mean it.

“Hey,” Cait said, running a finger down Chowder’s nose. “I found you.”

Chowder huffed out another laugh and they grinned at each other. “Yeah. You did.”

“I’m happy.”

 

 

 

**_April 2010, San Francisco, CA_ **

 

 

Chris's soulmate was happy. They were ecstatic, jumping for joy, scream it from the rooftops happy, and all he wanted to do was join in the celebrations. He ran down the stairs to wish his papa a good day at work before he left and grinned at Shelley when she got to the breakfast table and kissed his mom in thanks when she gave him his packed lunch. He hummed along to his dad's music all the way to school and when he walked through the door, five seconds before the warning bell, he said, “Morning Miss Preece!” with a singsong voice and a skip in his step.

His soulmate being happy lifted his entire day, and when Chris went to bed that night he dreamed of the time when he would be the one to make them that happy.

He dreamed about their wedding. He tried to imagine what it would be like when both he and his soulmate were overwhelmed with joy from being united. He thought of what his papa often said, about how his dad was like coming home, and he wondered what that felt like. Did it feel something like the warmth in his chest when something good was happening to his soulmate? When they felt safe and comfortable? Was it the buzz of a win or the blissful calm of bedtime stories with his dad? Was it the overwhelming bring-him-to-tears joyful relief of finding out why he had never felt right being seen as a girl? Chris supposed it must be something like that. It made sense for it to be the feeling that he had finally found his place. He finally understood who he was and, yes, maybe this was home.

 

 

 

**_November 2014, Samwell, MA_ **

 

 

Maybe this was home. Chowder laid back on Cait’s bed, enjoying how animated she got when she talked. It felt natural and easy and as if they had known each other for years, not barely even an hour.

“We should go on a date,” he said, when there was a lull in the conversation.

Her mouth dropped open, and she blinked at him in surprise. It occured to Chowder that she might not actually want to go on a date with him.

“Uh, I mean. Would you like to go on a date with me? Nothing fancy, but it would be nice to get to know you better.”

“Yeah,” she said, and warmth spread through Chowder’s chest. “Yeah, I’d love that. And we can still go to Winter Screw together? I mean, I think March and that junior on your team are trying to set us up for it.”

“Ransom. Yeah. That would be nice.”

They grinned at each other.

“We’re not the only ones to think about,” Cait said.

“No,” Chowder agreed. “I’m not sure how we’re supposed to figure this out.”

“I think we just do what we’re all most comfortable with, but we should talk to the other two.” Her hands were on Chowder’s waist, though, and he looped his arms around her.

“Yeah. At some point.”

“How would you feel about it?” Cait asked, adjusting herself so that she was straddling his lap. “If I did decide I like both you and Nursey.”

“We’re both your soulmates. It would make sense. It’s not a problem if we all know, is it?”

“No,” she agreed. “I’m the same, for the record. Whether it was Nursey or Will or both, I’d be okay with it.”

“Okay. I don’t... I think I’m straight? But maybe I need to have more of a think about how I feel about them.”

She brushed a hand through his hair. “That's okay. We don’t have to know straight away.”

“We don’t.” Chowder ran a hand up her back and became distinctly aware of how they were sat. “Um. Actually, maybe that applies to us, too?”

“Oh.”

They pulled away from each other and sat with a space between them on the bed.

“Sorry,” Cait said, eyes down.

“No, don’t— It felt right. I just don’t want us to go too fast and then remember we only just met and we don't really know each other. You’re my soulmate. You’re not someone I want to mess things up with  before we've even had a chance to get started.”

Cait’s smile was free from judgement or disappointment. “I agree. We can go on a date later this week, and then go to Winter Screw. After that, we’ll just see what happens.”

“Yeah,” Chowder agreed, with a definitive nod. “And we can both try to talk to Nursey and Dex and figure things out there.”

Cait nodded enthusiastically. “Okay.”

“Okay.”

This soulmate thing was pretty great, Chowder thought.


	5. Part Five

**_November 2011, Biddeford, ME_ **

 

 

At fifteen, Will had his first kiss. Morgan Roberts was tall with thick, light brown hair and eyes which seemed so deep Will was sure he could see his soul. The boys at school wanted to be Morgan Roberts and all the girls and Will wanted to date Morgan Roberts. Will couldn’t believe his luck when the basketball star cornered him after third period and asked if he wanted to go over to Morgan’s house after school and watch the new episode of that show they had been talking about before class.

He knew that Dan would hate everything about this, but Dan was also probably the only person in school who had anything bad to say about Morgan. Dan hadn’t liked Morgan ever since that time he said that Dan might be wrong about soulmates being a challenge set by God. Will had admitted to thinking he was cute and Dan had insisted that Morgan would be straight because how could he not be, but Will needed to stay the fuck away from him anyway because Will shouldn't be thinking about boys like that.

Morgan was not straight.

They ended up making out on the couch and watching their show again two hours after the first attempt, sore-lipped but grinning. Will liked thinking about boys like this. Morgan looked even cuter with his hair ruffled up from Will’s hands, and his mouth pink from Will’s lips.

“We should do this again sometime,” Morgan said when he saw Will to the door, exactly fourteen minutes before Will’s curfew.

Will didn’t know what to say, so he smiled and nodded and tried to ignore the anxiety pooling in his stomach.

Dan was waiting for him when he got home. “Someone said you went back to Morgan Roberts’ house.”

“Yeah, we were watching   _ How I Met Your Mother _ .”

“That has twenty minute episodes. It's nine o’clock.”

“We ordered pizza.”

Dan stared at him. “Where are his parents?”

“Mom’s away with her boyfriend, dad isn’t in the picture.”

“So he had an empty house and he chose to invite  _ you  _ over instead of having a party like a normal person.”

Will shrugged. “It’s a school night. And why do you care what he chooses to do with himself?”

Dan clicked his tongue. “What happened, Will?”

He would regret it later, but Will felt like nothing could touch him in that moment, so he stared back defiantly and let the silence drag out between them.

 

 

 

**_November 2014, Samwell, MA_ **

 

 

Dex let the silence drag out between them. His arms crossed over his body and he tried to hold himself together as he waited for the inevitable questions. Nursey, for his part, seemed to be trying to give him time and space but the further they got from the dorms, the more twitchy he got and Dex didn't expect his patience to hold out for much longer.

“So, uh.” They were at Lake Quad, which meant they had walked a lot further than Dex expected Nursey to last. “Why’s it so hard for you to accept?”

Nursey spoke so casually but there was a hint of hurt behind the words.

“You hate me,” Dex told him. “How can  _ you  _ accept it so easily that your soulmate is someone you hate.”

“I don’t hate you. Either you’re saying this is all because of how much you hate me or there’s another reason.”

Dex rocked back on his heels. What could he even say to that? “I didn't think multiple soulmates could exist,” he tried, but Nursey shook his head.

“We told you that they did. Chowder and I said we were soulmates and knew we had another. You’ve had  _ weeks  _ to think about that and research it and get used to the idea that it's possible.” Nursey cast his eyes over Dex and let out a huff. “I should have known better than to expect someone like you to do any research on other people’s experiences.”

Dex recoiled. “What's that supposed to mean? Someone like what?”

Nursey rolled his eyes. “White, cis, straight. The sort of person who uses misogynistic slurs as ‘chirps’. The sort of person who tries to compare classism to racism. Need I go on?”

Dex turned away, to look across the Pond, so that Nursey couldn't see his face. He frowned at one of the geese on the pond. His natural inclination was to argue. He wanted to say that Nursey was blowing his words out of proportion, but…

But he wasn’t.

Dex had screwed up and it may have taken dozens of talks from Shitty and reading of links Ransom posted on Twitter or the group chat for him to admit it, but he knew now why he had been wrong. He knew from Nursey’s reactions to things he said that he was still screwing up every day, but somehow it didn't feel like the time or place to point that out. Saying that he had looked into those things and tried to conduct his own research wouldn't help his case with the fact that he had been repressing the idea of Nursey and Chowder being his soulmates. It would only being about another question regarding why he had reacted so strongly; so negatively.

“I'm not,” he said, eyes still fixed on the water.

“Not that sort of person? Dex, come on, you literally—”

“How can you say everything you say,” Dex cut across him loudly, “And still think it’s okay  to assume I’m straight when I’ve never said I am.”

Nursey’s argument choked to a stop. Someone squealed on the other side of the quad. A goose honked in response. Nursey said nothing. Dexs ears were filled with the chatter of people around them, and the noise of cars in the distance, and flapping of wings as a group of ducks flew low over the water. There was an emptiness around him, and he wondered if Nursey had moved away and that was why it felt as if the temperature had dropped so dramatically.

That had been such a bad idea.

He couldn’t breathe.

He flinched when when a hand landed on his shoulder, but the hand stayed firm and squeezed comfortingly.

“Dex. It’s okay. I want you to breathe for me. Can you do that?”

Dex stared at Nursey, but he didn’t really see him.

“You’re okay, Dex. I promise. I’m going to count and you should try to breathe, okay?”

Nursey’s hands were both on him, rubbing circles in his back and massaging his shoulder as he led the both of them around the quad. His voice was barely more than white noise when he counted, but it was rhythmic enough for Dex to find comfort in it and, eventually, to match his breathing to it.

Somehow they ended up in a booth at Jerry’s. Dex wrapped his hands around a glass of Pepsi, wondering when that had been put in front of him. One of Nursey’s hands lay over his.

“Have you told anyone else before?” Nursey asked softly.

Dex hesitated before he nodded. He hadn’t said it in so many words before but there were other people who knew.

“My—” He pinched his lips together. Nursey’s fingers pressed against his as a reminder that he was safe. “My brother made sure I knew that was wrong.”

“There are people who actually think that? But same sex soulmates are—”

Dex shrugged. “Same sex soulmates are a challenge from God. They’re supposed to be platonic but some people give into the temptation of sin and—”

Nursey’s fingers twitched against his, and Dex found himself pressing his feet down into the ground. “I’ve heard some real bullshit in my time, but that just about tops it.”

“Yeah, well. He’s all I’ve got.”

“Not any more.”

Dex stared at him, marvelling over the furious determination in his eyes. It was incredible to him that Nursey should be so sure about him and so ready to defend him. Dex knew that his brother was not a good person, just as much as he understood why he was the way he was, but nobody had ever before tried to defend  _ Dex  _ over Dan. Slowly, as if Nursey might break if he put too much pressure on him, Dex ran his thumb over his knuckles, testing out how his skin felt under his fingers.

Nursey’s hand fell away. “Dex, I— Before we think about anything else we really need to talk about what this is.”

Dex frowned at his Pepsi. “What do you mean?”

“I mean— Maybe it is still platonic. For me. And— and maybe for Chowder too? I don’t know. You’d have to ask him yourself, because obviously people can change and they can have exceptions and all of that but he told me he’s pretty sure he’s straight.”

“And… so are you?” Dex asked. Either that or Nursey really did hate him so much that he couldn’t see them together.

“I’m ace.”

“What?”

“Asexual.”

The word meant nothing to Dex, so he shook his head. “What’s that?”

“I— I’ve never been attracted to anyone.”

Dex frowned. “Never?

“Never,” Nursey confirmed.

“Have you… never been in a relationship?”

“I’ve been in the sort of relationships you have when you’re a kid and you don’t know anything about relationships. When I think of being in an intimate relationship it all feels abstract to me. I can’t really imagine it or want it.” He shrugged. “I don’t know. Maybe I’ll change my mind? Or maybe… There’s ways. It’s not like a relationship has to all be sex, but… you need to know before you start thinking that just because we’re soulmates we’re going to fall into a relationship with each other. I might never want that.”

Dex took a deep breath. His stomach twisted automatically in disappointment and the sharp feeling of rejection, but it wasn’t like he wanted to get a partner because they felt obligated to him. Still, it was typical that he spent so many years thinking he was doomed to a lonely life because his soulmate was his cousin, and just when he found out he might have more soulmates, and they were actually people he found attractive and enjoyed spending time with and he  _ could  _ want to spend the rest of his life with, in a romantic way, neither of them were into him.

“Okay,” he said, and his voice stayed even because six years of saying he was okay when he wasn’t meant he was good at pretending. “It’s not like it really changes anything for me? I always thought it was just Caitlin, so I never expected a romantic soulmate anyway.”

Nursey didn’t look convinced, but Dex took a sip from his Pepsi and avoided his eyes by staring at the table.

 

 

 

**_March 2012, New York, NY_ **

 

 

He stared at the table, struggling to wrap his head around everything he had learned in the past hour.

“Sweetheart?”

Derek jumped and turned to look at Ma. She stood in the doorway of the kitchen frowning at him in a way which let him know that he had disappointed her. His reaction had been extreme and unsupportive. It was possibly one of the worst reactions he could have had, but who expected one of their parents to come out to them? He had been going about his normal day, enjoying a quiet Spring Break at home, and suddenly his parents wanted to talk to him and his sister and then his Dad — _no,_ his _Mom_ — was telling him that she was trans. That she had known she was trans since before Derek was born, but hadn’t said anything because— Well. The lack of ‘why’ was part of the reason Derek was struggling with this.

“When did you know?” he asked, in Gujarati in case his Mom was still in earshot. It wasn’t that he wanted her to think he was gossiping about her, or upset. He just didn’t think she needed to hear his doubts and confusion while he was getting his head around the idea of having two moms when yesterday he had a ma and a dad.

“When I was six.”

Derek shook his head. “You hadn’t met her yet then.”

“No, but I knew my soulmate was a girl.”

Derek tried to think of the feelings he’d had from his soulmate which might indicate what gender they were. All he could think of were the periods which actually only told him that his soulmate had a uterus. “How?”

“How does anyone know anything about their soulmate before they meet them?”

Derek slumped into a chair and rested his elbows on the table. “That’s not helpful. Aren’t you supposed to give me helpful advice?”

Ma came to sit opposite him. “What's this about, Daruk? I can give you advice a lot easier if I know what this is about.”

“I— I'm sixteen. How could I not have any idea? How— Sixteen years? Really? I’m your son.”

“You can’t be upset she didn’t tell you sooner, sweetheart. It was her choice when to tell you, and she wasn't ready for people to know. I don’t think I need to tell you what it was like for her trying to succeed in business even presenting as a man.”

Derek sighed. No, Ma didn't have to explain that to him. “I just didn't see this coming at all.”

“That’s okay. You can take some time to get used to it, but right now your mom needs to know if you support her or not.”

His eyes welled with tears as Derek thought about how his mom had probably taken his stunned silence and running off with barely a word as rejection. Maybe she would have told him sooner, he thought, if he didn’t play hockey. If she hadn’t heard him and his friends chirp each other with casually offensive language. If she hadn’t walked in that time Leila was telling him off for being sexist. Derek felt sick as he thought of all the excuses. Stupid teenagers saying things to fit in which they  _ didn’t mean like that,  _ but they shouldn’t be saying them at all. Shitty would be disappointed in him. Derek made a note to call him later and ask if he knew anything about Samwell’s English department. He still had a year before college applications, but Samwell was a good school, good enough for Shitty, and he knew that they were very liberal and very accepting. Derek probably needed more of that in his life.

Ma’s arms wrapped around him and he leaned into her chest, sighing as she massaged the back of his neck. He pulled away, because it was more important that he go to Mom right now.

“I’ll go and talk to her,” he said, because Ma was looking at him with a hint of worry.

“Okay, sweetheart.”

When he reached the doorway, he turned back. “Ma?”

“Yes?”

“Was it easy? Understanding... all of this? And accepting it while still keeping it a secret so long?”

“I was there for all of her questioning, even the questioning that came before we had ever met. I felt every step of it. I couldn’t do anything but accept it when I felt how right it was the moment she identified as a woman.”

Derek nodded, but he felt even more confused as he turned away. Nothing made sense within him. He felt male, he felt female, he felt like gender made no sense. He didn’t know what was him and what was his soulmate, and he didn’t know what he wanted. He tried to imagine meeting his soulmate, but he couldn’t. They were a faceless, genderless silhouette and Derek didn’t know how to feel about them.

Mom was sat in the den, showing Leila something on her phone. They looked up when Derek walked in.

“I'm going to ring Lou,” Leila said and she left the room.

“Hi, Mom,” Derek said.

“Derek.”

He took Leila’s place on the couch and curled towards her. Her arm wrapped around him automatically and he rested his cheek against her shoulder.

“I love you, Mom,” he said, his voice cracking, but it was important he kept explicitly calling her that as long as it was still something he had to think about.

She hugged him closer, but he could feel her frowning against the top of his head. “Are you upset?”

“Not with— I just don’t know how I’m supposed to know.”

“Know what?”

“Like... Ma said she knew with you. She knew you were female, but I don’t— I don’t know if my soulmate is male or female or both or neither because I feel all of those and none of them at the same time. And I don’t even know what I  _ want  _ them to be. I— Mom, when I went to the doctors at the beginning of the year, they thought it was strange that I— That I don’t think about sex.”

“At all?” Mom asked. Derek rubbed his arm awkwardly and shook his head. “It might not mean anything,” she said. “You’re only sixteen. It happens to different people at different times.”

“But—” Derek said with a frown.

“And it’s okay if it never happens at all.”

“I just want to understand, Mom.”

“I know, baby.”

“I’m sorry. I’ve been—”

“You’ve been a teenager.”

“I could have been better.”

“You could have. But as long as you’re going to be better next time, it’s okay.”

Derek buried his face into her neck, fighting back the tears which threatened, and she held him close.

“It’s going to be okay, baby,” she told him. 

 

 

 

**_December 2014, Samwell, MA_ **

 

 

It was going to be okay, eventually. Nursey knew that, but as he looked at Dex, sat carefully separate from the rest of them, his knees folded up against his chest and his arms crossed over them defensively, it was hard to see when that would be. They had decided to have what Chowder insisted on calling a ‘Frog Night’, all four of them sat on pillows on the floor of Chowder’s room, so that they could get to know Cait, and each other a little better, in light of them being soulmates.

Dex still had clear reservations, which showed in his continued reluctance to let them in. He hadn’t talked to Chowder yet, and Nursey didn’t want to rush him, because it was the sort of conversation that only Dex could know when he was ready for, and it was his right not to come out to Chowder if he didn’t want to, but…  _ but… _

It was frustrating, seeing Dex so closed off and awkward and scared when Chowder was the last person who would judge him. It made Nursey wonder what exactly Dex’s brother had done, and what others had said to make Dex so terrified. Sure, the media was still pretty bad at portraying soulmates as anything other than a man and a woman falling in love, but that same-sex representation was there, and it had never been made illegal the way that some governments and religious authorities wanted it to be. Even after four years at Andover, Nursey was shocked to find out that there were still people his own age who could reject romantic same-sex soulmates.

Dex curled in on himself when Chowder made made a casual comment about their soulbond. Nursey studied his face and the doubt that remained in his eyes. Even after all their conversations, Dex still didn't believe them. Whether it was that he could have three soulmates, or whether it was that they weren’t going to leave him, Nursey had no idea. Either way, Dex didn’t believe, and Nursey wished more than anything that he could just open up to the idea, and to them.

“What was your first soulbond memory?” Cait asked. She was lying on her back and could have been talking to any of them, but Nursey took it for granted that Chowder would reply first.

“Ooh, well I guess I have a lot of early ones and I don’t know which came first but the one that always sticks in my mind — I was five. Someone fell out a tree?”

Cait made a surprised sound and looked at Dex. “Yeah?”

“Was that when you and Dex knew you were soulmates?”

Nursey leaned forwards, studying Dex’s face. He looked a little stunned.

“Will fell out a tree when he was staying with us, yes. And I felt it and that’s when we knew.”

“Yeah,” Chowder said. “I felt you testing the bond.”

Nursey frowned. As his ma had described it, testing the bond wasn’t exactly something a soulmate could feel without knowing that was happening. It was about eliciting strong emotions in a person and monitoring each end of the bond separately over a period of hours to compare their brain activity and moods and what they reported from their soulmates. “What do you mean you felt it?”

“All the pinches,” Chowder said with a shrug.

“Pinches?”

“It’s how we tested it,” Cait explained. “I pinched myself and Will felt it and we kept doing that back and forth and in different rooms when we wouldn’t know when it was going to happen.”

Nursey wasn’t sure exactly what they meant. Was this some strange way of testing the bond that the specialist they had gone to used? He was fairly sure there were regulations in place to stop specialists from using pain in such circumstances. “That’s how they tested it?”

Dex frowned.

“They?” Chowder asked.

Nursey looked between the three of them, feeling more and more confused. “Yeah?”

“We did it,” Dex said. “Me and Cait. With the help of our parents. We didn’t go to any specialist or anyone about it.”

“Oh.”

“So that was Chowder’s first soulbond memory. What about you, Nursey?” Cait asked.

“Oh. Well,” Nursey said. He tried to think what it might be. There were dozens of times that might qualify, though he couldn’t be certain that all the ‘memories’ he had from those incidents were true memories, rather than just a product of the stories his moms had told him over the years. “Like Chowder, it’s hard to say exactly. I don’t know what comes first and they all blur into one a little bit. The thing about feeling physical pain a lot is it mostly wasn’t very fun. Lots of feeling bruised and knocked about. Lots of tripping over nothing because of ghost pains. I got this reputation as the most clumsy child in my kindergarten class and I guess that has followed me ever since.”

“That’s so sad,” Cait said, her eyes wide as she blinked at him. Chowder’s mouth was twisted in distress and even Dex was looking at him in concern.

“Ah, it’s not so bad,” Nursey said, shrugging it off. “I mean. It was, because do you  _ know  _ how difficult it is to have three athletes as your soulmates when you feel every strained muscle and blister and spear and volleyball to the face. Chowder’s a fucking  _ goalie,  _ for fuck’s sake.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Nah, it’s chill, you’re a great goalie. But at least I could never forget you were all there, right?” They continued to stare at him with sorrowful expressions, so Nursey sighed and shook his head. “Really. It’s easy to think of the bad, because that’s what I always felt the strongest, but I have good memories, too. I started skating because I knew my soulmate skated. My ma didn’t want me to. She was so concerned because—” He broke off, a sudden thought choking a laugh out of him. “Oh my God. She never let me climb trees.” He buried his face into his hands and laughed so hard his eyes watered.

“Are you okay?” Chowder asked.

Nursey shook his head. His stomach ached but he couldn’t stop laughing. “She wouldn’t let me. Because of this time I was holding myself up on the arm of the couch and I fell. Just collapsed to the floor. Because my arm suddenly hurt. Because…” He snorted. He couldn’t believe the irony, or that he had only just realized what had happened that day. “Because Dex fell out of a fucking tree, and after that Ma wouldn’t ever let  _ me  _ climb trees, even though we didn’t even know, but she sure wasn’t going to let me do that.”

Dex raised an eyebrow at him.

“And,” Nursey continued, “she didn’t want me to do hockey for the same reason. I really wanted to do hockey, but she didn’t think it was a good idea but then my soulmate was learning to skate and… Well, I guess both of you were, but we thought it was just one person who was really determined and taking years to be able to stand up, but that made  _ me  _ determined and she couldn’t say no to it then. Especially when my sister got involved and said what if I was destined to meet my soulmate through hockey?”

He looked at Chowder, who grinned at him, eyes shining, and Dex, who looked like Nursey had just punched him in the stomach. “So that’s why I’m here.”

“I’m glad,” Cait said. There was a pool of warmth in Nursey’s stomach. He couldn’t yet say that he loved these three, because love was a strong word that he was cautious of giving away too easily, but he really liked them, and he really liked spending time with them. He liked Chowder (how could he not?) with his easy enthusiasm and optimistic outlook on life, not to mention how kind-hearted and generous he was. He liked Dex, against all the odds, who he was finally starting to understand, and who challenged him and balanced him out. And then there was Cait, who he still didn’t really know but he knew that he liked her. She made him feel comfortable and happy, and she was perfect for Chowder in every way.

“Are you two going to Winter Screw together?” he asked.

Cait looked to Chowder, a fond smile on her face. “We are.”

“That is,” Chowder added, “if that’s okay?” There were worry lines between his eyes.

“Of course it’s okay,” Dex said, before Nursey could. “Don’t worry about us.”

Nursey nodded.

“Who will you go with?” Cait asked, looking between them. “Were you two going to go together or—”

It was hard to stop himself from wincing over the idea, but at least Dex looked just as opposed to it. He might have started to like him now, but Nursey didn’t think he could cope with going on a date with him, even if they were both fully aware it wasn’t going to lead to anything else.

“I actually was wondering if we could not tell anyone yet?” Dex said, quietly as if he was afraid somebody else might overhear even with them being alone in Chowder’s room. “Just until we’ve figured all of this out? I—”

“Yeah,” Nursey said, because Dex seemed to be struggling with what else to say. “For once, I agree with him.”

Dex rolled his eyes.

“Wait, really?” Chowder asked with a deep frown.

“Soulbonds are a personal thing. The rest of the team doesn’t need to know, and it’ll be easier for us to find our feet and work out exactly how this is going to work for us if they’re not trying to stick their noses into it. Besides, my ma wouldn’t be proud of me if I jumped straight into this without thinking. So, yeah, I agree with Dex. Let’s keep this between us for now. If you two want to let everyone know about you two, that’s fine by me, but don’t bring me into it. Not yet.”

Chowder nodded slowly. “Okay?” he said, sounding utterly confused but at least he didn’t question the decision.

Nursey looked to Dex. “I’m still up for going with the mystery person you found for me.”

“It’s a guy from mine and Chowder’s Comp Sci class. Is that okay?”

“Ch’yeah. Did you tell him I’m asexual?”

Dex bit his lip. “Do you want me to?”

“It might be better? So he doesn’t expect anything like that.”

“Great!” Chowder said. “So that’s Nursey sorted. What about you, Dex? Have you got anyone you want us to set you up with? Ooh, there’s this girl I sit by in—”

“That’s okay, C,” Dex cut in.

“Let us know,” Nursey said. “If you want us to set you up with anyone. But it’s okay if you go solo. As long as I get a dance.”

A flush spread across Dex’s cheeks. “Okay, I— I’ll let you know. About the date, I don’t know about the dance.”

Nursey raised his eyebrow and pretended to be offended, but his lips quirked into a smile that had Dex laughing before he even spoke. “Hey, we’re soulmates, right? Doesn’t that get me a dance? Special bond and all that.”

 

 

 

**_February 2004, Los Angeles, CA_ **

 

 

Caitlin’s second grade teacher said that soulmates shared a special,  _ romantic  _ bond.

“Yes, Caitlin,” she sighed, when Caitlin’s hand shot into the air.

“My momma says my bond isn’t romantic. She says there’s different bonds too. Ones that are pat—plad— friend bonds.”

“Caitlin, your bond might not feel romantic now, but that’s because you’re just a child. When you’re an adult it will be romantic, and if you’re lucky one day you’ll meet your soulmate and marry him.”

Caitlin frowned at her teacher. “But I already met him. And I can’t marry him. He’s my cousin.”

“Cousins can marry in California,” was all her teacher said.

 

Another teacher — one who taught third grade, and so had never taught Caitlin - approached her on the playground during recess.

“Mrs Williams told me that your cousin is your soulmate.”

Caitlin nodded up at the teacher. He was pretty scary and she hoped he wouldn’t be her teacher next year.

“She told you that it’s still a romantic bond?”

Caitlin nodded again, and then found her voice. “But my momma says it’s not.”

“Some people, like Mrs Williams don’t believe in platonic bonds, but they’re wrong. I have a platonic bond. You’ll find there’s a lot of nasty people who won’t like that your soulmate is your cousin, but all of them are wrong, okay?”

“Why don’t they like it?”

“People are funny about familial bonds.”

“Family all?”

“Familial. It means a bond with a family member.”

Caitlin frowned. “Is your bond famillel?”

The teacher shook his head. When he smiled, he looked kinder. “Mine’s just a friend. But she has another bond and that’s her twin sister.”

“She has two bonds?”

“Another thing I’m sure Mrs Williams doesn’t believe in.”

Caitlin thought about this. “My cousin, Will. He has a twin sister. She was real upset when we found out about our bond. I hope they’re soulmates, too.”

He smiled at her. “Maybe they are.”

“Can people have both famillel bonds and romantic ones?”

“They can,” the teacher told her with a smile. “Maybe you do, too. But it’s just as okay if you only have the one soulmate. You can even marry people who aren’t your soulmates if you want to. It’s all up to you.”

Caitlin smiled up at him, feeling light and happy and hopeful.

 

 

 

**_December 2014, Samwell, MA_ **

 

 

Cait felt light and happy and hopeful. Chowder was tired from the hockey game he had played earlier in the evening and that was the excuse Cait used for dragging him away from Winter Screw early. Cait’s umbrella protected her head and nothing else at all but the rain didn’t bother them. Their hands were probably sweating from holding onto each other. All Cait felt was the tingling where they touched, like an electric current coursing between them. She felt drunk on life (Or perhaps that was the vodka and cranberry juice Nursey had been drinking) and an unfaltering smile was plastered across her face.

“So then we had to follow Papa back to the car, but the whole time Shelley was on her tiptoes trying to see her soulmate, and she wasn’t looking at all where she was going, right? And she walked straight into this guy. And he turned out to be her soulmate!”

Cait laughed. “No way! Is that a Chow thing? Literally crashing your way into your soulmates’ lives?”

When Chowder laughed, he sounded surprised. “Maybe it is! In that case, I’m no longer sorry for how we first met, but I’ll make sure my parents apologize to you as soon as they meet you because it’s obviously their fault for giving me my genes.”

Cait smiled and let her shoulder knock against his as they walked. It was incredible how easy this was for her: no anxiety over his casual suggestion of her meeting his parents; no misunderstandings or confusion over what the other was trying to say; no awkward silences or moments of tension. “I had a good night,” she said, when they reached the corner where they would have to split, if they were both going back to their own dorms.

Chowder’s hand tightened around hers. “Me too.”

Her teeth buried into her bottom lip, Cait made a decision. She started walking again, still holding onto Chowder’s hand, down the path which led to his dorm. He had a single, after all. “I’m well and truly danced out now, though. Who knew Nursey was so enthusiastic?”

“He didn’t do that with me. He must have had more faith in you keeping up with him.”

“I’m just happy we managed to give him his dances with all his soulmates. Do you think Dex will be okay?” When they left, Nursey had agreed and made moves to find his date to walk home, while Dex had stayed with the rest of the hockey team.

“He’ll be okay. Bitty will look out for him. And we’ll know if he’s not okay,” Chowder reminded her.

They paused at the door to his dorm building.

“Hey,” Cait said, quietly. “Is this okay? Me coming back to yours?”

Chowder swallowed and nodded. “As long as you’re okay with it.”

“I want to—” She stopped herself. They were going to take this slowly, and even if she wanted to rush into things headfirst instead, she didn’t want to pressure Chowder. “I can stay and chat some more and then go back to my own dorm. Or if you’re happy for me to sleep over… I’m pretty much up for anything as long as this night doesn’t have to end right now.”

Water dripped from Chowder’s bangs and down her cheek when they kissed. She broke away sooner than she would like to giggle, but now that she was thinking about the rain a shiver ran through her and her skin started to feel like ice. Without a word, Chowder swiped them into the building and she had barely closed the umbrella before he tugged her down the corridor.

She borrowed a towel to rub off the worst of the rain, and a hockey jersey so that she could take off her Screw dress. Chowder offered her a pair of sweats, but Cait shook her head and backed him up against the bed. His shirt fell to the floor.

His skin against hers was enough to warm her up. His breath tickled her skin and Cait sighed into his mouth. She pulled on his shoulder, silently directing him to roll them over, and once he was lying on top of her, she slid her arms around his neck and pulled him in closer.

“Hey,” Chowder said, pulling back. “We should…”

“Yeah.” He was right. Cait was disappointed, but they should slow down and not get into this when they were— Well. Not actually drunk, but feeling Nursey’s drunkness. And maybe Dex’s at this point, too.

Chowder leaned in again, as if he couldn’t resist another kiss. “We haven’t even talked to Nursey and Dex yet.”

“Yeah,” Cait agreed, again. She rested her hands on Chowder’s chest. “We should do that.” She sighed, and Chowder’s eyes drifted to her lips, as though he could see the air moving past them.

“Or,” he said.

Cait waited, but no more words came. “I like ‘or’,” she told him.

“I mean, is really any of their business? Obviously they’re our soulmates, too, but this, us two, it’s our relationship alone. It’s not like we need their permission.”

Cait leaned in as she nodded. Their noses knocked against each other. “Right. We’re adults, and if we’re going to have a relationship with them later on, then it’s later on and not now.”

“Yeah.”

His lips covered hers and she pressed back against him eagerly, tilting her head so that she could catch his bottom lip and suck on it. His fingers tangled in her hair and she could feel his heartbeat against her chest. “Yeah,” she muttered into his mouth. “We can talk to them another time, but they don’t get to veto this.”

 

 

 

**_December 2002, San Francisco, CA_ **

 

 

_ Veto _

Chris tried the unfamiliar word out on his tongue, silently mouthing it as he walked to his parents’ bedroom, his book swinging by his side with his finger holding his page. The door was ajar, so he pushed it open and looked in. He liked his parents’ room. There were two massive beds (much bigger than his own), which Chris thought was both great, because it was more mattress space to jump on, and weird because there were  _ three  _ of his parents, and they must get confused by it, too, because they always seemed to be swapping and changing who got which bed, and who had to share, and sometimes all three of them shared, because maybe they didn’t want anybody to feel left out.

“Papa?”

Papa and Dad both turned around. They were stood in front of the mirror in between the two beds, and Dad was halfway through tying Papa’s tie for him. He took their smiles as an invitation to run into the room and jump onto the nearest bed.

“What are you doing?” he asked.

“Papa has a date with Mom tonight, so I’m making him handsome,” Dad said.

Chris folded his legs underneath himself and frowned at them. “But don’t all three of you have to go on dates  _ together?” _

“And who would stay here with Shelley and you?” Papa asked.

“Abigail could look after us,” Chris said, naming a girl from down the road who had babysat them on occasion. His mouth turned down at the thought of his Dad being left out, especially if  _ he  _ was the reason for it. “Let Dad go with you, Papa.”

Dad laughed and Papa’s tie unravelled when he let go. He bent over to kiss Chris on the forehead. “That’s sweet, Chrissy, but I don’t  _ want  _ to go. And I’m sure Abigail has other things to do.”

The words were little comfort. In fact, they caused Chris’s heart to drop into his stomach and he felt his eyes well up with tears. “Don’t get divorced. Lucy’s parents got divorced and—”

Dad shook his head and smiled, the corners of his mouth twitching with laughter. “We’re not going to get divorced. Mom and Papa want to go to see a movie that I don’t want to see, and then they’re going to try an Italian restaurant, because they know I don’t really like Italian food.”

“Why can’t you do things you all like?” Chris asked.

“We do,” Dad told him, “but imagine if when you’re older you find your soulmates and one of them doesn’t want to go to a Sharks game with you.”

Chris blinked. “Why don’t they want to go?”

“Maybe they don’t like hockey.”

Chris’s mouth dropped open. “They don’t?”

“I don’t know. But if you want to go to the game, you shouldn’t have to miss it just because your soulmate doesn’t want to. And they don’t have to go to it just because you  _ do  _ like hockey and want to go to a game. As much as learning to live with your soulmates is about spending time together, you also have to learn how to be apart from each other sometimes, and still make time for yourself and other things which matter to you.”

“It’s called compromise,” Papa added.

“Compromise,” Chris repeated.

“Dad doesn’t get to spend this evening with Mom and me, but he gets to spend it with you, and we get to do something we both enjoy and which he won’t. Next time, we’ll do something with Dad that he wants to do. That’s compromise.”

“Okay. And what’s vetto?”

“What?”

“It was in my book. What’s vetto?”

Dad opened the book up and scanned it to find the word he was talking about. “Veto, Chrissy. It’s pronounced ‘vee-toe’. It means someone can say no to something they really don’t like. So if Mom and Papa and I had decided that tonight was a night all three of us were going to go out together and then they said they wanted to go to this movie I don’t want to see and then to an Italian restaurant, I could say no, I don’t want to do that.”

“So why didn’t you say that?”

“Because of compromise. I can veto plans that I don’t want to do, but I can’t tell your Mom and Papa that they can’t do it if they want to.”

Soulmates seemed very complicated, Chris thought with a frown.

 

 

 

**_December 2014, Samwell, MA_ **

 

 

Chowder frowned at Dex. He seemed so nervous, scratching at him hands and chewing on his lip. When he had asked if they could talk,  Chowder hadn’t thought much of it, assuming that maybe Dex just wanted to hang out, or he was trying to decide how this would work with part of their soulmate polycule quickly becoming romantic and Dex and Cait being cousins. With a sudden jolt of fear, Chowder wondered if Dex had been able to feel him and Cait last night. That would explain his feeling uncomfortable.

“Dex?” He said, when the silence became too much for him. “I’m sorry. If it’s too weird for you, we can pause on it. Until you're ready or if you never are, that's okay, too. This soulmate thing... I don’t know much about it, but a big part of it is compromise.”

“I... you want it?” Dex sounded so surprised that Chowder became acutely aware that he must have it wrong. 

“Are you... what did you want to say?” he asked. “Because I was thinking it was about what’s going on between Cait and I but…”

Dex frowned. “Oh. Are you two…”

“It’s going that way. But we wanted you talk to you and Nursey too anyway to see what you wanted. Well. I kinda already talked to Nursey? But obviously things are flexible and can change.”

“I guess... I kind of wanted to talk to you about that. Because I... I’m gay. And I didn’t think I wouldn’t ever get a romantic soulmate and it’s something I'm still.... But then I was assuming a bit with Nursey so I didn’t want to with you but maybe I still did and if you and Cait…”

“She said she's okay with it. It can work without it being weird. We just need proper boundaries. But... yeah. We need to take it slow and talk it out a lot because I have no idea what I want here.”

“Are you... I figured you were straight. Especially if you and Cait…”

“I've always thought I was. But I don’t know. I... how the fuck are you supposed to know things like that about yourself?”

Will shrugged but the frown on his face suggested that he didn’t understand the sentiment. “I think... maybe like you say things can change but at the moment I would find it too weird. If both Cait and I were... uh. More than platonic with the same person.”

“Okay. I’m sorry. You know it’s not that I’m choosing her over you, right? I’m just more certain what I want with her. That sounds bad but I don’t mean it like that!  I just—”

“I get it. It’s okay,” Dex assured him. “Anyway, it’s me. I wouldn’t be able to stop thinking about it at this point.”

Chowder thought about that. He tried to put himself in Dex’s shoes and imagine what it would be like to know your cousin was dating your best friend and soulmate. “But you’re okay? With me seeing her? Because you were my friend first and we’re all new to this soulmate thing so if it’s too much for you then I would stop.”

“No,” Dex said. “I mean... yes, I’m okay with it. I’m not going to ask you to stop. I think you’d be great together, and you're soulmates too.”

Chowder smiled at him. “Are you sure?” he asked, even though he could feel the warmth and calm swelling inside him. This was really okay. “Can I hug you?”

Dex smiled back and pulled him into a hug.


	6. Part Six

**_January 2012, Augusta, ME_ **

 

 

It was a brutal game. Chirps were descending into swears and checks were being delivered hard, so it wasn’t a surprise when one of Will’s teammates crumpled against the boards and didn’t get up straight away. Will skated in circles, a little bored by the sudden downtime, while he waited for them to stretcher the forward off and complete a line change. The rest of his team fussed over the teammate and looked on in concern, but Will couldn’t bring himself to worry. They still had a game to play.

“That was horrible,” Will’s d-partner said when they were finally skating into position to restart the game.

Will shrugged. “It’s hockey.”

He saw his d-partner slow to a stop, but they didn’t have time for a conversation so Will left him at center ice and moved to where he needed to be.

The team wouldn’t shut up about the check when they got back to the locker room for intermission. Will rolled his eyes and wiped a towel over his face. These people really needed to get a grip if they wanted to play hockey seriously.

“His soulmate must have felt that,” one guy said, and Will froze with the towel still pressed to his face. Was this really going to be a conversation? Not only couldn’t they get through a game of hockey without whining about getting hurt, they were now going to worry about the soulmate?

Will wasn’t the only one who looked uncomfortable by this turn in the conversation. The goalie frowned across the room. “Bro, don’t talk about the soulbond like that, you know it’s bad luck.”

A murmur rustled around the room, and everybody went back to preparing for the next period. Will sat and stared at his ice skates, trying not to think about Caitlin and wonder just what she felt from him these days, now that he so rarely felt anything from her. By the time they were called back to the ice, his head was nowhere near the game.

 

 

 

**_December 2014, Samwell, MA_ **

 

 

Dex’s head was nowhere near the game, today. Their practices were fewer and farther between with finals upon them and the holidays fast approaching, but Jack still managed to squeeze a few in to keep them sharp. Dex, however, was watching Chowder, and laughing as he tried to persuade Jack he couldn’t keep his practice pucks in the goal because _they don’t go there_. Normally, Dex would be harsh on himself about not keeping his attention away from Nursey, or the puck, but it was one of their last practices of the semester and nobody was taking it all that seriously.

So, he was watching Chowder and Jack argue and he thought his sides might rip apart from laughter, when he felt the strange sensation of having been body slammed. Dex wobbled on his skates and glanced around to see what the fuck was happening, but the only sign of strange activity was Chowder’s head snapping towards him, eyes wide with worry. Dex frowned at him and shrugged to show he didn’t know what was going on, but Chowder continued to stare as if he was seeing straight through Dex. His mouth pressed into a line of concern and he left his goal crease. Dex looked over his shoulder to see what Chowder might be looking at, becoming aware as he did so of a stinging over his left eyebrow.

Nursey was lying spread-eagled on the ice, blood trickling out from under his helmet.

“Oh my God.” Dex’s heart was in his throat as he skated across, and he skidded to his knees next to Ransom and Nursey. “Nursey, are you okay?”

“Can you stand up?” Ransom asked.

“No, I’m dying,” Nursey muttered back.

“What even happened, bro? Nobody was anywhere near you.”

“Flying puck. Dying,” repeated Nursey.

Ransom sighed and turned to gesture at the coaches.

Dex followed as they stretchered Nursey off the ice, and rushed to take his skates off. He hovered behind the whole way to the trainers’ room. Coach Hall flashed him a curious look, but didn’t tell him to get back on the ice, so Dex went in with them and took up a seat on the other bed to the one they lay Nursey on.

The trainer fussed around Nursey, tending to his wound and cleaning him up. Dex chewed on his tongue as he anxiously awaited the verdict. His heart was beating in double time, and all he could think about was Nursey’s pain and the terror which had shot through him. Dex couldn’t lose him.

He didn’t realize he was crying until Nursey hissed in pain and he tried to look. Even when he brushed the tears away, his sight was still too blurred to make out more than the trainer holding something against Nursey’s brow.

“Hey, Dex.”

Dex jumped and stared, wide-eyed, at Ransom and Holster stood in the doorway.

Ransom frowned. “Are you okay?”

“Why aren’t you still in practice?” Dex’s mind felt fuzzy, but the coaches had left as soon as Nursey was lying down, so practice must still be going on.

“Jack sent us to see where you were,” Holster told him. “You’re supposed to be there, too.”

“I can’t.” Dex didn’t see how he could leave Nursey’s side right now.

“Why—”

“My soulmate just bled out like four pints of blood and might be dying so excuse me if I can’t think about hockey right now.” A fresh wave of tears hit him and he buried his face into his hands. At least this way he didn’t have to look at Ransom and Holster’s reaction.

“Uh, chill,” Nursey said, but his voice was weak and shaky.

“It’s really not that bad,” the trainer said, but Dex wasn’t reassured. He had never heard Nursey sound so vulnerable. When he peeked through his fingers, he could see a sheen of sweat over his forehead and a glassy look in his eyes.

“Okay, then,” Ransom said, slowly. Dex heard them retreat, and the door close behind them.

“The entire team is going to know now,” Nursey said.

“I’m sorry,” Dex said. He frowned and shrugged. “Although, we don’t know they’ll tell. And I don’t mind if you don’t.”

“So… You’ve accepted you’re my soulmate now, huh?”

“I felt that so strongly before I even looked at you, so I don’t know what else we could be. There’s no other explanation for that.”

The trainer asked Nursey to hold a compress to his head and disappeared from the room. Nursey tilted his head in a silent invitation for Dex to move closer.

“All I could think,” Dex said, settling next to Nursey, “was that I couldn’t lose you. I’ve not felt that in so long and it seems ridiculous because there’s three of you. Well. Not of you, but of my soulmates. And I spent so long trying to shut you all out. But just now, on the ice—” He shuddered and wrapped his arms around his body. “It’s so weird having people I feel like I can lose and actually care about. Not people who are just there for the time being and who I don’t even like anyway. Suddenly I’ve got all three of you trying to tell me that you’re here for me even though I’m a piece of shit and you especially didn’t even like me to begin with because I don’t have a clue about all the race stuff and privilege and not saying the wrong thing. I’ve never cared before about if I was saying the wrong thing or the right thing. I’m such an asshole.”

“You’re lonely,” Nursey said, eyes widening in realization.

Dex shook his head. Lonely couldn’t be the right word. That couldn’t be what this was, but his eyes watered at the word and his chest ached with emptiness.

“I—” The words choked in his throat.

“You didn’t care, because you didn’t have people who made you care. Who was your best friend in high school?”

“I guess I didn’t have one.” Nursey’s pity felt overwhelming and irritating, and Dex couldn’t stand the silence. “I was an asshole. I am an asshole. So, yeah, maybe I was lonely but because the only people who would ever want to be friends with me are my soulmates and you’d be better off without me, too.”

Nursey pulled himself up to sitting, the compress still covering half his face. “Nuh-uh, I’m not entertaining this pity party.”

“So you’re honestly telling me that you would have tried to be my friend even if you hadn’t thought I might be your soulmate?”

“Sure I would. Chowder always wanted us to be friends. And there’s plenty of people who want to hang out with you even though they’re not your soulmate. Ransom and Holster both like you. Shitty keeps trying to be your friend and most of the time it looks like he might be. Bitty’s your friend. This whole team’s got your back, Poindexter, soulmates or not.”

Dex stared down at his knees, though they were blurry through his tears. He thought of Shitty sharing articles with him and how often it turned into debates that left Dex tense for the rest of the day. He thought of Holster’s determination to get him to hang out with the other d-men, and how Dex never really knew how he was supposed to act around them. He thought of Bitty, who avoided his eye whenever they were in the locker room together and had disclosed as little about himself with Dex as Dex had with him. “I’m not very good at being a friend,” he admitted. “I mean, look at me, putting all this on you when you’re hurt. Not cool.”

“I think you’re already better than you think,” Nursey told him. Dex started to shake his head in disagreement, but Nursey squeezed his knee with his free hand and carried on talking. “I asked. I’m happy you’re talking to me. You obviously needed to talk to someone. As for saying the right thing, and understanding where you have privilege — you care now, so you’re going to try to be better. You already try to be better. And if you need help, we’re here for you. All of the team.”

Dex was saved the stress of working out what the fuck he was supposed to say to that by the trainer returning and banishing him back to the other bed while he tested Nursey for a concussion and got him ready to go to the hospital.

“I think you should be okay once they’ve put a few stitches in. Just don’t do anything too physical over break and hopefully you’ll be okay to play in the new year.”

Nursey smiled in a way which felt fake and made Dex frown. “It’s okay. I only have casual plans for break.”

 

 

 

**_December 2012, New York, NY_ **

 

 

Derek only had casual plans for break, nothing terribly exciting or fun, but he was buzzing as he left school, because it was the first time Derek had driven himself home, as the car hadn’t gone up to Andover until that semester and he was looking forward to getting back to Manhattan and seeing his parents, even if it did mean he would have to look for a parking space in the city. Technically, boarders weren’t supposed to keep cars in Andover, but his car had been his sixteenth birthday present from his parents and Derek wanted to get all the use in that he could. All he had to do to drive himself home for Winter Break was get a friend’s dad to drop him off at the private garage his Mom had found and bought for him.

Nobody called out when Derek opened the front door. He frowned. That was odd.

“Hello?”

He poked his head into the living room, but nobody was there.

“Through here!” his Mom called from the kitchen, softly as if being too loud would disturb something.

Mom and Ma were both there with… his cousin Priyanka? Who had red eyes like she had been crying and it was the first time Derek had seen her without makeup in about three years.

“Um,” he said, confused.

Priyanka looked up. “My parents are getting a divorce.”

“But… But they’re soulmates.”

“They _thought_ they were soulmates!” Ma said, throwing her hands in the air. “But they never tested it, did they? Because they were so certain, they knew better than any specialist, so they didn’t test it, and what have I always taught you?”

“Always test a soulbond,” Derek and Priyanka replied in unison.

“Exactly! It’s okay if you take a few weeks or months to get to know each other first, but never let it get to the point where you’ve been married for sixteen years and have two children before you find out you’re not actually soulmates after all. But oh, no, my own brother couldn’t remember that and now look at him, his wife has found her real soulmate and he’s going to be left in the dust.”

Derek frowned, and glanced over at the bookshelf just visible in the next room, which held all of his Ma’s books and research papers on soulbonds. “Couldn’t they both be her soulmates?”

“They’re not,” Priyanka answered. “Trust me, some of the things that came up when they were fighting about it— Dad’s not Mom’s soulmate.”

“But.” Derek looked down at his hands. He felt sick to the stomach. “It doesn’t mean they have to divorce, does it? Soulbonds don’t have to be like that. And even if they are, you can have healthy relationships outside of a soulbond. I know not everyone likes the whole polygamy thing, but this is one of the reasons it was fought for, wasn’t it?”

“Oh, sweetheart,” Ma said, cupping his cheek gently. Derek looked up at her, his eyes stinging with tears, which didn’t even make sense, because why should he be so upset about the breakdown of someone else’s relationship? It wasn’t even his own parents.

“Isn’t that why you’ve always told us not to wait around for our soulmates and just to get out there and date? Because we could miss someone who would be great for us by passing them by just because they’re not our soulmate?”

Uncle and Auntie couldn’t be getting a divorce. They had one of the most loving relationships Derek knew, right? Apart from his own moms, of course. Their house had been one of the most family-oriented places Derek had ever been to, and they never seemed to argue. And Derek had to believe that a little thing like a newfound soulmate couldn’t be what tore them apart, because then what even was the point of soulmates if all they did was destroyed any love that had come before?

“Sweetheart, it’s true, but this is why I said that. Because so many people find their soulmates and think they _must_ be in love because they don’t understand what it is to be in love or even in a relationship because they’ve never had that before. Your uncle met your auntie and immediately thought he had found his soulmate. They thought they were in love, because they thought they were supposed to be in love. They learned to live with each other, of course, and then they had the girls to focus on and love and distract them from the fact that maybe they didn’t really love each other. Not like that. Not enough to be married. I know it’s hard to understand, babo, but this is going to be better for them. Both of them are going to be happier now. Okay?”

Derek nodded and wiped under his nose with the back of his hand.

“So,” Ma said with a smile. “What will you do when you think you’ve met your soulmate?”

Derek sniffed. “We need to test the bond.”

She smiled at him and patted him on the cheek. “Even if you’re certain.”

 

 

 

**_December 2014, Samwell, MA_ **

 

 

He had been certain about his soulmates for a while now, but the funny thing about Dex coming around to the idea was that it placed doubts in Nursey’s mind. It wasn’t Dex’s fault or anything, more that while Dex hadn’t been sure, it was easy. Nursey didn’t have to worry about testing the bond because they were still getting to know each other and figuring things out. Now, though, Dex was happy to call them his soulmates, and they had admitted as much to the team when they got back from the hospital with stitches in Nursey’s head and their arms around each other’s shoulders. Not only that, but Nursey was acutely aware that Chowder and Cait’s relationship had developed and though he knew that he couldn’t ask them to slow down for his own peace of mind, there was something else he could ask.

“I was thinking,” he said, when they were gathered in his room a couple of days after he had split his head. “I know you all celebrate Christmas, so I understand if you want to go home for the holidays but maybe you could all come and stay with me for a couple of days before you go? Or just before we have to be back here. It would be a good time to test the soulbond.”

“What?” Dex asked derisively. “We don’t need to do that. We know we’re soulmates.”

Nursey raised an eyebrow. “You’re the one who didn’t believe it.”

“Yeah, but it’s obvious we are. If I can say that, why would we need to test it?”

“We just do, okay? My ma taught me that you always have to test a soulbond properly. You can’t leave things like that up to chance, and sometimes people are so certain that they’re right that they can’t even see that maybe they’re wrong. It’s really important.”

Dex stared at him. “Yeah, but, what are the odds? There’s four of us, and we can match up so many things.”

“It’s really important to me that we have it tested properly, Dex.”

“Isn’t it pretty expensive, though?” Cait said hesitatingly. “I know that’s not such an issue for you and Chris, but—”

“It won’t be expensive if you come to Manhattan where my ma can sort it out for us at heavily discounted prices.”

Dex shifted awkwardly. “Nurse. No. You’re what, going to get your parents to pay for it and then refuse any money? You can’t just— We don’t need charity.”

“No! I mean. They would definitely pay for us, but that’s not what I mean. My ma researches bonds. That’s her job. And she’s tested them before, and she has colleagues who still do that and we can get a discount. It’s not charity, it’s using connections.”

“I don’t know,” Dex said, still looking uncertain.

“Well, I wasn’t sure if I was going home for Christmas, anyway,” Chowder said. “It’s a long flight, and I can use the money I save on that for New York.”

Cait tilted her head to one side and nodded. “That’s a good point.”

“And we can have Christmas together that way! We can show Christmas to Nursey because even if you don't believe it or normally celebrate it, it can be fun!” Chowder grinned at the thought, and Nursey tried to smile with him. He had two of them convinced, which was supposed to be a good thing, but his eyes were focused on Dex. Dex, who was avoiding his eye as if the moment he looked at Nursey he would be forced to hand over all his worldly possessions.

Nursey dropped his gaze to where his finger traced the patterns on his bedspread. “You know, this is something I want to do, so I _should_ take the brunt of the cost. If it was just you three, you probably wouldn’t even consider doing this, but I have to. I can’t do this,” he said, turning his hand around in a circle to indicate the four of them, “without doing that. So.”

When he lifted his head, Dex’s eyes bore into his. The intensity of the stare made Nursey want to look away again, but it was the tension in Dex’s jaw and the apprehension and determination and compassion coursing through their soulbond which kept him steady.

“Okay,” Dex said. Neither of them blinked. Dex sat a little straighter. “Yes. Let’s do it.”

Nursey grinned. He didn’t even have to reach out an arm to tell Dex that he wanted a hug, because Dex was already half the room closer and he knelt on the bed to wrap his arms around Nursey.

“Thank-you.”

“Yeah,” Dex replied. Nursey pressed his face into Dex’s neck and tightened his arms around him.

 

 

 

**_February 2011, Los Angeles, CA_ **

 

 

Caitlin pressed her face into her pillow and tightened her arms around it as a wave of nausea hit her. She was only fifteen, and yet worrying about her soulmates had become a full-time job. The numbness from Will’s bond was overwhelming that morning, only made worse by the fact that sunshine-bond felt less… _sunshiney_ than usual, and bond number three was fucking hungover. They were maybe even still a bit drunk. Which was ridiculous. Because Caitlin was fifteen and had never had so much as a sip of her dad’s beer and here she was feeling drunk and hungover while neither of her other two bonds were in any shape to make her feel better.

“I got you some breakfast,” Ally said in a soft voice, poking her head around the door.

“I love you,” Caitlin mumbled into her pillow, before she forced herself to sit up and face her step-sister.

“You were right, you don’t want your dad to see you like this. You look like crap.”

“Thanks.” Caitlin reached out for the glass of water Ally offered her and gulped it down in one go.

“He’d be so mad your soulmate is the sort of person to get drunk at fifteen.”

“Maybe they’re older.”

Ally shrugged. “If they’re old enough for him not to be mad about it, then he’d just be mad that your soulmate is so much older than you.”

Cait nibbled around the edge of a corn cake. “I don’t feel like there’s that much of an age gap. I feel like the oldest.”

“How is that even a thing you can feel?”

“Last week you said you felt like your soulmate lives in New Mexico,” she said with a shrug.

“Point. So now we’re back to him being mad that your soulmate got drunk at fifteen. Or younger.”

Cait sighed and put her plate to the side. “I don’t think this is the worst I’ve felt from that bond but it’s the first time it hasn’t been softened by the other bonds. Or Sunshine, at least. And the same when Will’s not happy, normally I have both other bonds okay, and it doesn’t seem too bad. But now…” She sighed again and pulled a pillow to her chest. “He’s dimmed.”

“Wait. Who?”

“Sunshine.”

A crease appeared on Ally’s forehead. “I thought Sunshine was the girl.”

Cait shook her head slowly. She wasn’t so convinced there _was_ a girl.

“But… Sunshine’s the one your period was synced with.”

“Yeah, he was. But… I’m pretty sure he’s a he. That feels… more…”

Ally blinked in confusion, but let it go. “Dimmed how?”

“I don’t know. He just doesn’t feel as bright and happy as usual. I guess that can’t be easy? If you’re a boy but you have periods. Not that I think he’s been having many recently, but it still seems pretty difficult.”

“Lina, you can’t worry about someone who you don’t know. You don’t even know where he lives. He could be in Australia for all you know. Everyone has bad days. You can’t worry about every single one.”

“I can’t help it. Especially not on a day like today where they all seem off at the same time.”

Ally shrugged. “So maybe it’s because of the bond. There’s nothing wrong with you but you’re moping because of them, so maybe that’s the same for all the others except your alcoholic there.”

“Shut up. They’re not an _alcoholic_.”

Ally gave her a sad smile. “I’m serious. Please try not to worry about them. You’re too young for that shit yet.”

Caitlin wrapped her arms across her chest when her stomach turned again. She wondered if he was being sick. “I think I’ll always worry about them.”

 

 

 

**_December 2014, Samwell, MA_ **

 

 

She didn’t worry any more. Cait was in her Statistics final when the realization hit her. Chowder’s scars were bothering him today, because it was cold and they always bothered him when it was cold, but the ghost of an itch on her own chest didn’t bother Cait, because she knew why it was there and she knew it was nothing to worry about. Knowing Nursey made it easier not to worry about him, as well, because she knew now that those intense emotions she had felt from him in the past were part of a mental illness for which he was medicated and having therapy and though he was a bit of a messy drunk, there was a whole hockey team looking out for him. (They had Nursey Patrol at kegsters for fuck’s sake).

Even when it came to herself some concerns had been quietened. After a few times of refusing to remove her transmitters during sex out of fear of having to hear Dex talking, she had finally discovered that she no longer heard the other three in those situations. Nursey wondered if she might hear in times of crisis, but for now she could spend the nights with Chowder without being interrupted, and the days between classes and practices introducing Chowder and Nursey to sign language.

Her days of worrying about Dex being distant were long over, too. He was there when she came out of her final, sat on a bench and reading some study notes while he waited for her. When she reached him, he handed over an Annie’s takeout cup and started walking.

“Some hipster California shit,” he said. She nudged his shoulder and hid her smile by taking a sip of the chestnut latte.

“Thanks. What time does Nursey finish?”

“We’re headed there now.”

Cait nodded. She knew Chowder’s exam was about to start, so it was just the three of them, but it would be nice for her to get to know Nursey away from Chowder, and to spend a bit of time with Dex.

“I’m really glad you’re here,” she said. Dex turned to her with a frown.

“We said we’d go to the library together.”

“No, I— At Samwell. I didn’t think I’d ever see you again.”

Dex looked away, eyes cast to the ground and a heaviness which Cait felt in her heart. “I’m sorry.”

“Hey.” She waited until he looked at her. “You’re here now.” She opened her arms, and Dex couldn’t completely hide his smile when he stepped in to accept the hug. “I am really happy,” Cait told him as they hugged. “I feel so much lighter now.”

Dex gave an awkward chuckle and pulled away. He swiped his fist under his eye in a movement that was probably supposed to look casual, but Cait knew he was feeling emotional. “Yeah. Okay.”

She nudged his shoulder again and started towards the English building. “So. One to go?”

“Yeah. You too?”

She nodded. It was strange to think that she was one exam away from having completed a whole semester at Samwell, and yet at the same time so much had happened and she could hardly believe it had only been a month since Dex had come crashing back into her life, bringing two more soulmates with him.

“Intro to Cognitive Science final tomorrow, and then Nursey’s house the day after.”

“He’s so excited,” Dex said. Cait raised an eyebrow when she saw the fond smile on his face.

“Yeah?”

“I don’t think he had much planned. His parents are going to be working during the week other than Christmas Day and his sister will only be there for a few days the end of next week.”

“What about you?”

There was a frown on Dex’s face as he grunted questioningly.

“Are you excited?”

“It feels weird not to be going home? But then I guess there’s not really anything for me at home any more. I’ll probably have a better time with you lot.”

Cait grinned. “Yeah, you will.”

Her happiness was joined by Dex’s and Nursey’s and Chowder’s; their emotions mingled together and lifted their spirits. It turned out that going to Nursey’s house would be best for all of them — no long flights or heavy travel expenses, and they would be able to share the holidays with each other. Cait was free from worry and content to be right there beside Dex. Nursey’s request that they have their soulbond tested wad just the final stage before the rest of their lives as soulmates.

 

 

 

**_December 2011, San Francisco, CA_ **

 

 

“… Time for the rest of your lives as soulmates. I’m so happy for you all. Oh! Is this little Chrissy?”

“He’s not so little any more, Auntie,” Mom said softly. “And he prefers Chris to Chrissy.”

Chris pulled on his tie and looked at himself in the mirror, trying to ignore the fuss of family behind him. The suit was his first ever suit, and it felt strange. It was weird to wear something so tight across his chest, and something that felt too loose in the trousers even though it was cutting into his hips. He had only been wearing it for twenty minutes, but he already felt warm under the jacket and the waistcoat and the shirt and his binder. Dad had tied the tie for him, and he wanted to unravel it and work out how it tied and try it for himself, but he knew he didn’t have enough time. He also knew that he looked great, and he wasn’t going to ruin it now. He could figure the tie out after the wedding.

“Aren’t you so proud of your parents, Chris?” the woman asked.

His Mom had called her Auntie and she obviously knew him, but Chris had no idea who she was. He supposed he would have to spend the whole day pretending to know people he didn’t recognize. That didn’t mean he understood why he should be proud of his parents for a wedding that would have happened years before if California hadn’t only just legalized polygamy. “Um, yes?”

“Oh, it’s so hard to understand it when you don’t have a fixed soulbond, I know,” the woman said with a sage nod.

“What does it have to do with being fixed?” Chris asked. “Isn’t it just a legal thing?”

“Our vows include being fixed forever,” Mom told him. “Auntie, could you see if Shelley needs help with her dress, please? I thought I was supposed to be the one who took ages to get ready today.”

“Can it still break up again after you’ve fixed?” Chris asked. He bared his teeth to the mirror to check he didn’t have anything stuck in them and immediately wished he hadn’t, because ever since his dentist had commented how crooked his teeth were, it was all he could notice.

“Your soulbond isn’t broken, Chris. Even dormant bonds are still there. It’s more like a painting being fixed to a blank wall.”

Chris frowned at his Mom. “What?”

Her eyes sparkled when she smiled at him. “Like fixing up a painting. The wall might not be missing anything without the painting, and sometimes someone might decide that the painting doesn’t fit their wall, or what they want their wall to be like, so they might decide not to hang up the painting, but it always has the potential to set the room off perfectly. My soulbond with your Dad and Papa has been fixed for a very long time, but today I’m going to promise that it will stay on that wall, in pride of place for everyone to see and to never be taken down.”

“Huh,” Chris said. It sort of made sense. Maybe. “So fixing is just about commitment?”

“It’s more than that. When you fix, you’ll find there won’t be so many negatives about the bond any more.”

“There aren’t any—” Chris started to say, but he cut himself off. He could probably live without the days when his soulmates were so sad Chris could hardly breathe. “So feelings you don’t want going away?”

“That,” Mom said, nodding, “or if they don’t go away then at least they won’t feel so bad when you really know your soulmates and understand why they’re feeling it. It can bring you closer together.”

Chris couldn’t help but smile at the fond expression on his mother’s face. He knew that soulmates weren’t the be all and end all — they didn’t always work out — but he hoped his own bond would be as full of love and joy.

 

 

 

**_December 2014, Samwell, MA_ **

 

 

Love and joy filled the room, and Chowder couldn’t stop smiling. He didn’t want to stop smiling. They were on the floor, backs against the green couch that Bitty hated. He had Cait wrapped around his side, Nursey against his other shoulder and, in trying to force them all to be comfortable, Nursey had pulled Dex’s legs across his lap, so now Dex’s ankle hooked around Chowder’s. There was nothing special about the moment, really — they were just indulging in a final slice of pie before they hit the road to go to New York — but there was a warmth and tranquility which made it feel like home.

Their bags were stacked by the door, ready to go, and Chowder looked at the Piglet plushie sat on top of Dex’s suitcase. Nursey had bought the toy so that Dex never had to be lonely at night. Dex had cried for an hour and later denied it, but since then he and Nursey hadn’t argued over anything more serious than whose turn it was to do the dishes after team breakfast.

“No matter what happens with the soulbond testing, I don’t care. This is something. I love you three,” Chris said.

Cait kissed him on his jaw and Nursey turned his head so that his smile pressed into Chowder’s hoodie.

Dex reached out to join their hands. “We should go.”

This was only the start.

 


End file.
